Wednesday, October 22, 2014

It Had Nothing To Do With Me

We've all heard it. The profound statement from some unknown person..."Never judge a book by it's cover."

Boy, did that ring loud and true for me today.

Now, thanks to HIPAA, I'm gonna have to be real sly with this one...try and keep up, okay?

Let's pretend that I'm a nurse. No, not the sexy Halloween costume dress up nurse. A real, live, covered in spray from a feeding tube mishap gone wrong, wrinkly scrub, can't find my pen in my 52 pockets, nurse. Got it?

Now, lets say that this or may not have a resident who may or may not be labeled..."DIFFICULT". You can picture in your own mind what behaviors would deem a person difficult to a nurse. Add in crabby and demanding...and you got it.

So one could imagine that when this particular call light goes off, I may give a tiny, itty, bitty little sigh under my breath, because, well...I WAS JUST IN THERE 45 SECONDS AGO and when I was in there, all the resident did was fiddle on their phone, dragging out whatever it was that they were trying to tell me.

This may...or may not...have happened seven thousand times today. 

Except one time, as I was trying so hard to leave the room for the fifth time that trip, because I had a million and nine other things to do, this person hands me their phone and says "Wait. Wait. I want you to see this." I may...or may not... have experienced a tiny, itty, bitty, little the very bottom of my soul. 

Until I saw, on the screen, this beautiful, laughing, full of life woman. She was young. Not young like know...25...but young compared to the typical adults I spend my day with. Her hair was blowing in the wind and she was talking to a person off camera. 

I didn't understand at first.

Until my resident says in a humble and tired voice that I had never heard come out of them before..."That's my wife. She passed away and it is the only video I have of her." 

What do you do, when you realize that sometimes angry and cranky and short-tempered has nothing to do with you? What do you do when you realize that you forgot that you are treating an entire person and not just dealing with their less than stellar personality?

I can tell you what I did...

"She's absolutely beautiful. Play it for me again."

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Dear Child - Parenting Sucks

Dear Child of Mine,

Parenting sucks.

Stop looking shocked and pretending like you can't believe that I would say that. You will understand one day. I promise.

I have always said that parenting sucks 98% of the time, but that the 2% is so amazingly fulfilling, that it makes it worth it. Granted, that 2% is when you are asleep, most days...but goodness you look cute curled around a teddy bear. Almost cute enough to make me forget about the gum I found squished into your bedroom carpet or the clogged toilet that you didn't tell me about. For days.


But, I digress.

Child, don't you know how hard I try not to yell? Don't you understand that the cool, calm, nurse voice you are hearing is masking the boiling rage inside, fueled by your need to nit-pick at your sibling long enough to make them cry? Do you understand what happens to my brain, when you mimic me, when I ask you to stop? Don't you know that if you push me to the point of yelling, that you should be very, very, very afraid?

Now, if my yelling causes you to walk/stomp/run away from me and I have to chase you down, you better hide...and you better hide so well that I have to call the local law enforcement to find you. I promise that you are going to want police protection, when I do.

Why, oh why, must you make me turn into this raving lunatic of a person? I hate yelling. I hate taking away privileges. I hate having to remember to follow through on your punishment, when all I really want to do is have a glass of wine and go to sleep. Can't we stop the madness? Could you maybe, just maybe, listen when I talk and do as your told?

I won't apologize for yelling. Or for the consequence you now face. I won't apologize for being your parent. Just know that one day...when you have a child of your own...and you call me and vent about all the absolutely insane things that she did that day...I won't laugh. Or say I told you so.

Until I hang up the phone.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, October 12, 2014

A Sunday Morning Lesson

"Maybe we should have Dad do it."

Oh, my lovely, beautiful and amazing daughter...those words alone will make your Mommy attempt (and succeed) at whatever it is that we are doing. I promise you.

Yes, I am stubborn.

Yes, I feel like I have something to prove.

But, really...I want to show you. Show you that you can do anything that you put your mind to. Once you get over the frustration of the moment and pause to stop and can do it. You already have the knowledge and grit inside you, to figure it out.

Do not grow up to believe that you have to rely on other people. Do not use other people to validate your worth, because I promise you that you are amazing, just as you are. You do not need another person to complete you; you need another person who compliments you. A person who can grow along side you and propel you to be a better you.

Do not change my words into believing that you can never ask for help. I know that pitfall far too well and that is not what I'm saying. There are times that your knowledge or experience or drive will not be enough to fix the problem at hand. When you recognize this situation, then please ask for help. What I don't want you to do is to give up, before you've given it a shot. What I don't want is for you to assume that because you are a girl or you are young or you see yourself as weak, that you cannot do something.

Don't give up...and don't give in...before you have given it your all.

(For the record...we fixed the closet shelf...without hammering any of my fingers.)

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Who I Am

When I'm being really, really...really...stupid...I wonder what people think of me. Who they think I am. What they think I stand for. Believe in. Want in life.

My story is my own...very few people on this planet know the real answers to those ponderings. So, why do I do it? Why do I worry about what other people think of me?

Because we all do it.

Admit it, or not...we do.

So, who am I?

I am a 33 year old woman, working through a divorce. I am a Mother, above all else. They are my reason for being alive and raising them to be better than I can ever be, is my ultimate goal. I am a nurse with hopes that I can save the world, while knowing that all I can really strive for is to make a difference in one person's life. I am a woman, with all the insecurities and strength that come along with that title. I am a daughter who probably didn't turn out the way my parents expected. I am a sister and an aunt and a cousin who falls short, far more than I probably realize. I am a friend that disappears off the grid more often than not, because I crawl in a hole when the world gets too loud.

I have so many hopes, that I can overwhelm myself. I want to be independent, knowing that I can stand on my own two feet. I want to love intensely and be loved wholly. I want to display a strength that my daughters and son look up to and strive to emulate. I want to give back, because I have been given so many opportunities. I want to never stop learning. Ever. It doesn't have to be a formal education, but I pray my desire to learn about others and their experiences is a flame that never dims.  I believe that everyone has good in them and they just desperately need someone to recognize it.

I am scared. Scared that I will leave this earth, having never made a difference. I'm scared that I am unlovable and difficult to handle. I have control issues that make me hard and I'm incredibly sensitive to things, making me too soft. I get depressed and stuck in thought patterns that aren't healthy. I tend to relieve my stress in unhealthy ways and lash out at those that don't deserve it. I am scared that I will never amount to anything, yet I push myself to conquer every obstacle in front of me.

I am figuring me out and realizing that this process will be ever-changing and life long. I am recognizing that I am a contradiction. I am patient...and I am not. I am strong, while I am weak. I am scared, while I am brave. I am driven, even when I want to give up.

I am Me.

And I have never been more me, than I am right now.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

It Really Does Matter

We make excuses for our decisions, every day.

You do it.

I do it.

Everyone does it.

We tell ourselves that this choice or that choice doesn't really matter. That it isn't a big deal.

That's a lie.

It really does matter.

This is never more apparent than now, as I mother these five little humans. My choices and actions teach them, a million times a day. How I respond to their needs and wants tells them how important (or not) I feel that they are. Now, of course they are important, but do my actions show them that?

How I react to their fights, their fits, their own poor really does matter.
How I show them I love them, not just with words, but with time and really does matter.
How I choose to acknowledge and really does matter.

If they really are my greatest pleasure and accomplishment and blessing...I better be making choices that support this.

It really does matter.



This summer, Bai and I made a goal of completing a half marathon. Well, after less than stellar training (read that as we DIDN'T train)...we decided to do it anyway.
Hey, don't judge...we had a crazy summer.
I'm happy to report that at 13.1 years old, my beautiful and amazing daughter completed her first 13.1 miles. It wasn't easy and she wanted to give up around mile six...wanted to kill me around mile ten...but she did it. I couldn't have done that at thirteen years old. No way. Her perseverance astounds me. 
We did the half with a couple friends of ours. There is no way we could have done this, without them!

My beautiful girl. I'm so incredibly proud to be her Mommy.

Mile 10...can you see the joy on their faces?

Me, Bai, Braidy and Alisha
I hope these three know how incredible I think they are. I have done this race before and I know the mental hurdles that you have to overcome to even attempt it, let alone the incredible physical toll it is on your body. I swore to myself around mile eleven that I wouldn't do it again (same thing I said the first time I participated in this foolishness)...but I would.

And I will.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Starting Over

No one expects to turn 33 and have to start their life over.

That's what I'm facing.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...or some sappy lyrics like that.

I'm not going to get into the details. Those are mine and the people that share the story with me.

But I know will be okay. I am strong. I have been through hard before and I have prevailed. I don't know what is coming around the bend for me, but I'm strapped in and hanging on tight. Here's to amazing and new.

I got this.