Thursday, January 16, 2014

Ninety-nine Days Left Before I Can Bawl...

Ninety-nine days left, before I can bawl.
Ninety-nine days left and still...
I may drown,
Fore it comes around,
Ninety-eight days left, before I can bawl.

Sing it to the tune of "Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall" and it becomes a fun little ditty.

I'm less than one hundred days from graduation. Whoa. Time flies when you're running on empty.

For the next four weeks, I'll be living my preceptorship. Prior to this semester, that word was always spoken with the hushed reverence that I thought it deserved. Now? Now it is said with disgust...typically with descriptive profanity before it. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. I'm excited to spend 135 hours in labor and delivery. No, seriously, I am. I think it is going to be an amazing experience and I will have learned so much, by the end of it.

What I wish, is that I wasn't balancing 36+ hours a week of preceptorship with 24+ hours a week of work and homework. Oh and those five little people that keep calling me Mommy...they are still my top priority. That is a whole lot of things needing my time and attention.

(night shift(work + school + preceptorship) - caffeine intake)/Leeann = insanity
I know. I know. You're rolling your eyes because I'm complaining again.
Would it help if I mentioned that not only am I juggling 60+ nursing hours a week, but I am also doing all of it on night shift? Can you muster up a little bit of sympathy for me now?
I am worried about the people in my life. Every single one of them. I worry about the people I love...will they feel pushed aside? I worry about my residents...will they be able to tell I'm extra tired? I worry about any random person who pisses me off...will they survive me losing my shit on them?
I am already burnt out. I am already exhausted. I want to scream, more often than not. I feel distant from everyone, at times, because there is this constant internal awareness of the steep slope I still have left to climb. How many times will people accept my apology, before they give up on me?
I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is growing closer and brighter every day...
but how many times will I get run over by the train, on my way there?

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