Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Dinner Education

As we sat down last night to a nice meal of chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing and carrots, we remembered the time Ry asked where chicken came from. (I believe back then when we asked her where she thought it came from, she said cow...) ;) So...we decided to ask the littlest member of the household questions, to see what she could come up with.

Me: "Peanut, where does chicken come from?"
Peanut: "Chickens!"
Me: "Where do babies come from?"
Peanut: "Mommies!"
Me: "Where do mommies come from?"
Peanut: "...I don't know!"
Ry: "Grandmas!"
Me: "Where do Daddies come from?"
Peanut: "Easter Island!" (Watched Hop one too many times, I think...)
Me: "Where did you come from?"
Peanut: "Your belly!"
Me: "How did you get in my belly?"
Peanut: "You put me in there!"
Me: "How did I put you in there?"
Peanut: "With a chicken!"

There you have it, folks. "The talk"...4 year old style. ;)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Lunch Break

Most people have lunch on their lunch break. Or chat with coworkers. Or read.

I work from home, so I am "stuck" in my office. all. day. long. It gets tiresome and sometimes...Momma needs a time out! We were going to go hiking, but when preschool is 15 minutes away and the trail you want to hike is 40 minutes from that and preschool is only 2.5 hours long...well...you do the math. So, we opted to go shooting; something I haven't done in way too long. We took up my .380 pistol and Josh's .22 rifle...nothing with too much "kick"...and had a little fun. :)

Bek wasn't used to shooting, but she did really well! She was super nervous about the kick back, but realized pretty quick that these two guns don't really have any. 

Josh is used to shooting the "big boy" guns that he takes hunting, so these were more up my alley. He learned real quick that I'm still a damn good shot. 

When did you say you were going to clean out the garage, dear? ;)

A Minor Annoyance

If you don't have something nice to say...blog about how frustrated you are that you can't say it.

Once in a while I come across a facebook status that makes me want to scream. (Okay, more than once in a while, but some bother me more than others.) I'm really not out to start a fight or cause issues in certain relationships, so I choose not to comment on it...but I THINK about commenting on it. For hours. And it drives me insane.

It's not even that what I have to say is "not nice"...in fact it is in response to something that I feel is not nice. Something that could hurt somebody's feelings. Because it is mean-spirited, judgmental and back-handedly rude. Yes, back-handedly. I made that up. Roll with it. 

It's not my job to save the world, or stick up for it, but I guess I would love to open this person's eyes...(yes, yes, also not my job.) *sigh*

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Mommy's Little Big Girl

I remember a day, not too long ago, when I brought this little girl home to a nursery painted with ladybugs. I sat in my rocking chair, holding her tiny 6 lb body and wondered what on earth I was supposed to do with this tiny life.

Yesterday, she came home from school after a bad day, and climbed on my lap. She hasn't done this in years and while it made me smile...it shattered my heart. Gone was my little baby, that fit on my chest, with tiny fingers twirled in my hair. In her place, was this half-adult sized body. Sitting on my lap, her feet hit the floor and her arms wrapped all the way around me.

My little girl is growing up. I'm able to have conversations with her, that surprise even me. She is wise beyond her years and her maturity sincerely impresses me. I'm not going to lie...I miss the days when she came to me for her every need. I miss when my cuddles could fix any problem that she was having. Now, I can't solve every problem with a band-aid and a Popsicle.

However, I love knowing...that after a bad day...she will still turn to me for comfort, advice and reassurance. I may not have done everything right, with this tiny life that I was given...but I have done something right.

Bailey Bug, I love you. To the moon and back.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I Lied...When It Rains...

...it creates a damn hurricane.

Wednesday: I had to take Ry in to the orthopedic surgeon for her foot. I should seriously have a frequent flyer punch card for this guy's office. No gymnastics for three weeks = upset little girl. Five days until my first comprehensive final and I haven't studied yet. Crap.

Thursday: I took Bek to the hospital to get her gallbladder out. She had a little issue waking up from anesthesia, causing me a great deal of stress. (My mind always goes to worst case scenario.) I had three assignments due, that I managed to turn in with not much time to spare. Bay has a choir concert, at the same time the twins of terror have to be at taekwondo, ten miles apart. So thankful for the people that helped with that carpool situation. Four days until my first comprehensive final and I haven't studied yet. Crap.

Friday: I worked all day, took kids to school, picked kids up, cleaned the house, caught up on laundry, ran six miles and kept Bek drugged. Three days until my first comprehensive final and I haven't studied yet. Crap.

Saturday: We left at 6:30 am, drove over an hour and spent all day at a taekwondo tournament for Avery and Luke. I hate driving. Hate. It. But Josh had worked all night long, so I was stuck with it. Two days until my first comprehensive final and I haven't studied yet. Crap.

Sunday: I miss being lazy with my kids. I spend the day watching movies with them and four hours in the kitchen, making homemade Chinese food and fruit cocktail cake. Josh's sister (Brit), husband (Jake) and kids spend the day with us. One day until my first comprehensive final and I haven't studied yet. Crap.

Monday: I work all morning, drop Peanut off at school and take my 99 question, 120 minute time limit, final. Yeah. Not even a minute and a half per question. Thanks, professor. I hit submit, somehow get an A-, when I was sure I didn't know half of the questions...and my phone rings. Brit is freaking out on the other end...she was talking to Jake on the phone and hears him roll the car. I head up to the hospital...get a flat tire on the way there (I know...SERIOUSLY!!)...and find out that he rolled four times, finishing on the roof. He was alert when I got there.  No contusions. No scrapes. No internal injuries, other than a chipped vertebrae in his neck. He walks out of the hospital a couple hours later with a neck brace and orders to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon in a week to make sure he is healing fine.

Seat belts, people. Wear them.

I think...I've hit my limit, stress wise. I have one more final, in two days and no...I haven't studied yet.

I want a nap.

A long, long, long nap.

If everyone could please...just stay safe...for the next few days...I'd appreciate it. Okay? Okay.

(Serious moment: I am so very thankful that Jake is okay and the only thing severely hurt was the vehicle. I'm thankful that kind and thoughtful people stopped to help him, until paramedics arrived. I'm thankful that Bek is healing well and there were no further complications. I'm happy that Ry's foot wasn't worse, she will recover completely and she can get back to her training. I'm ecstatic that I somehow pulled a 90% on that final and I pray the next one goes as smoothly.

Thank you to those that have brought dinners over and called to check on my sanity. I am a blessed, blessed girl, with amazing family and friends.)

Monday, April 22, 2013

Little Goals

I went to the gym Friday with a goal in mind. Six miles. I have run six miles once before and it was the hardest run I've ever done, mentally. I was scared to attempt it again, especially since my running buddy is down and out, recovering from surgery. I had to motivate myself.

Somewhere around two and a half miles, my mind started getting to me. I felt great and had come so far, but I was completely focused on how much further I had to go.

Then I realized...I didn't need to go six miles. I needed to go three. Then three and a half. Then four. Then four and a half...and so on. By breaking my huge goal into little goals, it made six miles less daunting.

I have to do this with everything else in life, so why not running? I am not focused on graduating school, I focus on one semester at a time. Sometimes one week at a time. Sometimes...one assignment at a time. I can't focus on the end, because it still seems so far away. I focus on one debt at a time, not all of my debt. I focus on 5 lbs at a time, not my goal weight. I focus on one clothing size at a time, not my end goal.

I may not always be able to do "big" things...but I can do a lot of "little" things, that can make BIG dreams come true! :)

Friday, April 19, 2013

Home Sweet Boston Home

It has been nearly two decades since I have lived in Massachusetts. It has been just over a decade since I last set foot on Boston's streets, only two weeks after 9/11.

But...Boston will always be "home", to me.

I pray that those affected, in any way, are able to find the closure and comfort that they need. I'm thankful that my friends and family were safe throughout all of the events that unfolded. I'm so appreciative of those that contacted me, to make sure that my family was out of harm's way. I'm happy to know that, once again, a city...a state...a nation...can join together in support of one another, in the face of evil.

No matter where I live in this world, Boston will always be a place I call home.

"Where we love is home - home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts." 
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

When It Rains, It Pours

I'm in the middle of my last week of school. (This means that I'm procrastinating the three assignments I need to get done until an hour before they are due.) I'm also "trying" to prepare for finals, because one of my professors has a sense of humor and has my comprehensive final on Monday. Four days after his last assignments are due. Way to give me time to prepare, dude.

Additionally, Bailey has a choir concert tomorrow night, at the exact same time that I need to have two kids at taekwondo, and at the exact time that I need to have another kid to gymnastics. All of these events are about 10 miles apart from each other.

Now, I may have solved the issue with having to get a kid to gymnastics at the same time as all of this...because I'm taking her for x-rays this morning. She landed a backhand-spring last night, during practice, and *snap crackle pop*, may have broken her foot. I wrapped it, elevated it, iced it, ibuprofen'd it all night...but she still can't bear weight on it this morning.

*slaps forehead*

Oh! And the twins of terror both have a tournament, an hour and a half away, on Saturday. These are an all day event...meaning that any chance I had of studying for finals that day is gone. Josh is working nights all weekend (meaning he's asleep during the day), so I'm kind of on my own there, too.

As if this isn't enough, Bek is going in for surgery to have her gallbladder removed on Thursday, too. She's going to be down and out for a week or so.

Oh, and Peanut has school pictures on Thursday and a dance recital on Tuesday.

When, exactly, am I studying for finals?

It's cool. I got this. A little patience. A little caffeine. Random little freak outs in the closet, where no one can find me...

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


 I am not afraid of much in this world.

Spiders. Bellybuttons. Feeling like a failure. Disappointing those I love. The death of my children.

Sadly, all of those fears, except for the last one (I pray!), are encountered in life. You either find a way to deal with them...or you let them eat you alive.

Spiders...well, that's what husbands are for. Or a carefully aimed shoe, from across the room. Bellybuttons...*shudder*...I prefer denial. I pretend they don't exist. (No, I don't know why bellybuttons make me sick...but they do. Yucky little things.) Feeling like a failure is simply that...a feeling. It is usually a fleeting feeling, no matter how heavy it is. I have to pick myself up and carry on.

Disappointing those I love...well...sometimes, I may disappoint those that I love, without intending to. That one is a tricky fear. I can't stand on a chair and scream at someone else's disappointment, like I would with a spider. I can pretend it doesn't exist for a little while...but like bellybuttons, you just know that it is there. I can hope that it is a fleeting feeling, but what if it isn't?

There are times in life, where you have to face disappointment head on with a simple, "I love you. I hope you can still love me, despite our differences."

"There comes that defining moment in our life, 
when we just have to make that life changing decision."

Monday, April 15, 2013

How Time Flies...

...when you're having fun.

I remember getting this badge, last August. It made me feel official. It made nursing school...real. I remember looking at the expiration date on this badge, thinking that it was so far away...and wondering what I would go through before it expired. I remember looking around at the other students in the class and wondering what their stories were. Did they have kids? Were they married? What did they do for work? Will they all find this easy, while I struggle alone?  Am I the oldest?!?!

April 26, 2013 is not so far away now. In two weeks I will have finished up this last week of classes and my finals week. Crazy. 

In the last eight months, I have gotten to know my classmates. Most of us are parents. Most of us are married. Most of them already work in the medical field. I am not the oldest...or the youngest. We have all struggled at one point or another, forced to the edge of breakdowns.  A few of us have cried...in front of everyone else. A few of us have medicated ourselves (with prescriptions or alcohol...pick your poison) to make it through. ;)

I have aced tests...and not aced tests. I have been humiliated and embarrassed...and incredibly proud of myself. I have completed more assignments, papers, study guides, care plans and discussions than I care to count. I have procrastinated taking tests up to the last possible minute...and I have...no, I just procrastinated.

I have  had some amazingly great experiences at clinicals...and other days that were less of an impact. I have given more shots and more meds than I can recall. I have seen life enter the world and cared for those that would soon leave the world. I have seen some crazy wounds and never once passed out. (Props to you wound care nurses...that is definitely not my calling!) I did my first IV, successfully, with several surgeons watching. (Wait...we don't really do those until next year...no, no I did not. *sigh* It wasn't on a patient or a fellow student, if that helps...) I have seen things...unspeakable things...and never once lost my "nurse face". (Where the patient could see me...) I have never been so scared and excited and grateful for this opportunity, than when I have been in clinicals.

As I creep up on my expiration date, I can only feel...amazed. 

I survived my first year. 

It wasn't always pretty...it wasn't always easy...it wasn't always fun...but, it was worth it.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Twenties or Thirties?

Which is better? Your twenties or your thirties? (We are not even going to discuss forties and beyond, because let's face it...the thought of that still terrifies me!) ;) A couple friends of mine were having this discussion on Facebook and it got me thinking...

Did I love my twenties? Or do I love my thirties more?

My twenties were dedicated to babies, babies and more babies. If I wasn't growing one, I was feeding one. Or changing one. Or chasing one. Or screaming because one took off their diaper and decided to go all "da Vinci" on my walls. Oh, how I loved these babies (and I still do!), but I honestly thought about committing myself. More than once. A day.

I hated my body in my twenties. I hid that body under layers of sweatpants and t-shirts, that had somehow become my official Mommy apparel...which I also hated. I had no time to sleep or shower...let alone exercise on a consistent basis. (Unless you count chasing little naked Houdini's, who always outsmarted me in the "Get Outta This Diaper" Olympics.)

I was in debt, in my twenties. I had the dream home...without the dream bank account. I wanted to prove how adult I was, by surrounding myself with things, things and more things. Things bought on credit. Things I couldn't afford, but I wanted. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I lived for other people, in my twenties. I did what was expected and I lived to make other people happy. Yes, they were all my own choices and I do not regret a single one of them, but I now know that I made them for the wrong reasons. I worried, far too much, about what others thought about me, my life and my choices. I made too many decisions based off of an emotional reaction, instead of basing them off logical thought.


Now I'm in my thirties. And. I'm. Loving. It.

My thirties are dedicated to raising my babies. Easier? No. Less messy? No, not really. But reasoning with a 9 year old, is easier than reasoning with a 9 month old. Usually. I can have fun with them in ways that I couldn't before. I can have conversations with them, that make me stare in awe, at the little people they are becoming.

I have learned to put myself first, in my thirties. Selfish? No. I make exercise part of my daily routine and I am working on loving ME. My children now have a Mommy who feels that living and eating healthy are a priority. I am happier. I am healthier. I am instilling in them the need to care for your body. They are all involved in their own active extracurriculars and it makes me happy, watching them excel at something they love.

I'm still in debt in my thirties. However, my debt is school related and not "things" related. I have learned to budget for things I want and if the budget can't handle it...then I don't really need it. Feeling more financially stable and less tied down to the stress and worry that comes with debt, is an incredibly freeing feeling.

I am less scared of others and myself, in my thirties. I have made decisions that some people do not approve of, but for the most part, I am still loved. I am still accepted. I am still valued. Those who can no longer see my value, will self-select out of my life...and I have learned that I have to be okay with that. I wish them the best and hope they do for me, as well. I make choices based on what is best for me, my family, our happiness and our well-being.

(And honestly? People think about you far less than your paranoid self worries about in your twenties.)

I love myself. More than I did yesterday, but less than I will tomorrow. I recognize that this will more than likely be a life-long process. Accepting every little piece of myself, without feeling the need to defend any part of who I am, will probably take the better part of my thirties and beyond.

So...would I relive my twenties if given the chance?

Not a chance in the world.

I'm thankful for the lessons that decade taught me, but I am having far too much fun living in my thirties...to waste any time crying about my twenties.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Surviving Spring Break

Spring break is in full force around here. One entire week of my mess making, chaos creating, very loud little angels being home. All. Day. Long.

I wish that I was on spring break, too, so that we could plan some amazing adventures. However, with me still having to work and my school schedule the same as always, it's not going to happen. I want to be "that" mom, that has an amazing event planned for every day, complete with themed crafts and snacks.

Umm...we've made it to the park a couple of days this week... Does that count for anything?

It is nearly 10 am, on day four of their break, and it is quiet. I mean...quiet. I haven't heard a peep from them in at least the last hour and a half, since they ate their waffles. I could go look...but why jinx it? I like the denial happy version in my head. I'm sure that someone has been tied up they are all getting along wonderfully. I know that the basement is destroyed they have done all their chores and cleaned up after themselves. I'm positive no one has brushed their teeth that they have all showered and dressed for the day. I  could go check on them, but then they would want something I would interrupt their bonding time.

Ahh. Sheer denial bliss.

I'm so happy that they can truly not kill each other get along. :)

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Five Years Ago

Five years ago, my heart shattered into a million tiny little pieces.

Since then, I've picked up the pieces and put them back where they belong. Almost every piece is there, although the cracks in between will be forever visible.

Carter, I still think of you often. The children will catch me off guard from time to time, by bringing up your name at random times. Luke, more than anyone, mentions the brother he has, that died in my tummy. They talk about you at dinner time. They talk about you when they are playing. I like knowing that they know you are here, even if you aren't here.

I think of you most often when I am running. I'm not sure why you come to me then, but you do. I wonder what you would look like now. Who you would be. What role you would play in our family. What your silly little quirks would be, that would always make laugh.

I love you my baby boy. To the moon and back.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Overcoming Myself

Five weeks ago, I left the gym in tears. I "couldn't" run two miles. My breathing wouldn't cooperate. My legs wouldn't stop cramping. I let my thoughts kill my will to accomplish my goals. I seriously questioned my commitment to a 5K, let alone a half marathon. How in the world was I going to finish this damn race, if I could barely get started?

Today, I walked out of the gym, my head held high. I left five miles on that treadmill. Five. Miles. I never in my life, thought that I would be someone that could run five miles. Not only did I run the five miles, but my breathing was controlled, my leg cramping was minimal and I felt fantastic! I could have kept going, if I didn't have other things on my schedule.

Now, the ten mile run I have planned with some friends in four and a half weeks doesn't seem so daunting. The half marathon? Bring it. I KNOW that I can do this. I might not be the fastest runner (okay, I know I'm not the fastest runner), but I'm faster than I was before. I'm running farther than I was before. I'm stronger than I was before.

I'm better than I was before.