Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Why I Don't Have An "Elf on the Shelf"

You may call him/her Buddy or Jack or Patrice or Helga. I call elf on the shelf a Pain In The Ass, or PITA, for short.

Seriously.

I know, I know...some of the moms (and dads) reading this are getting ready to toilet paper my house. (Two-ply, please)  But, this post is called Why I Don't Have An Elf on the Shelf. It's not called Why I Think You Shouldn't Have An Elf on the Shelf. You can do whatever you like in your house. Seriously. I won't judge.

This damn elf has made people go crazy. For real. The pressure it has created is nuts. Not only are people trying to top each other's antics (Go Big, or Go Home!), but they have to top the crazy shit that they did last year. Can't have Junior disappointed, now can we? #SuburbanMomProblems

When in the hell did Christmas become a month long process? Why is it necessary for Junior to receive a little gift every damn day of the month, to remind him to be good and that Santa is watching? Just be good, dammit. It's like your only job, as a kid. Expectation, not bribery. (Now, is that to say that I have never bribed my kids? Of course not. But it is not a month long process. It is a once in while "smile and pretend you like each other for this photo and I'll get you an ice-cream cone" kind of thing.) I've noticed that sometimes the Elf doesn't do gifts,  but is one of those naughty elves that makes messes, that the children think are hilarious. What. The. ****. Why in the world would you let PITA create a mess, that you know damn well YOU will have to clean up? I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

But, I digress.

This isn't about me not understanding the craziness. This is about why I don't have one of those little bastards living in my house.

You ready?

It has nothing to do with the bribery. Or the mess making. Or the irrational competitive drive that overwhelms some people. Or the fact that...admit it...they can be creepy little SOBs.

Point blank...I don't do Elf on The Shelf because...I'm lazy.

There. Now you have it. I can barely get Christmas gifts, stockings, neighbor gifts and teacher gifts pulled together by the 25th. If I had to come up with 25 different and creative scenarios for PITA, I would become an alcoholic.

...and I'm really not up for explaining to my kids why PITA smells like chardonnay and is face down, ass up, on the kitchen counter.

8 comments:

Amy said...

One of your best posts yet. I'm still chuckling a little.
Mostly at the swear words - :)
Hope all is well - I find myself thinking - I wonder what Leeann is up to. I'm really not creeping/ stalking your blog. Just happened on to it in 09 and love to read it.
As I have said before - I hope our paths cross - not as each other's patients though. I don't have time to be sick enough to require nursing care. Take care. Enjoy some of the beautiful Utah snow.

Amy said...

One of your best posts yet. I'm still chuckling a little.
Mostly at the swear words - :)
Hope all is well - I find myself thinking - I wonder what Leeann is up to. I'm really not creeping/ stalking your blog. Just happened on to it in 09 and love to read it.
As I have said before - I hope our paths cross - not as each other's patients though. I don't have time to be sick enough to require nursing care. Take care. Enjoy some of the beautiful Utah snow.

Andrea said...

I am SO with you on this...all of it!!

Leeann said...

Thanks, Amy! :) I'd love to cross paths at some point! :)

Joey Clayson said...

You seriously crack me up, my friend. For real. And I'm with ya.... who has time for that kind of crazy? I'm so grateful that this elf business made an appearance looonnnng after my kids were way too old to care, haha.
Ps... I'm impressed you still find time to blog. You go girl.

Amy said...

Let me know if you want to cross paths - I live in PC but would love to meet in SLC for a coke, smoothie, or coffee.

Thanks again for the beautiful words in your blog posts

The Stewie Family said...

Damnit (laying in bed) this reminds me Ralphie needs moved and probably a bath from his cornstarch 'snow' angels he made a mess with this morning! Hes a PITA for sure but love the magic look on the 4 year olds face as she intrtacts with him, teaching him and showing him the right way to behave. (Like mr noodle on sesame st) Btw I dont believe you know how to be lazy!

The Stewie Family said...

Damnit (laying in bed) this reminds me Ralphie needs moved and probably a bath from his cornstarch 'snow' angels he made a mess with this morning! Hes a PITA for sure but love the magic look on the 4 year olds face as she intrtacts with him, teaching him and showing him the right way to behave. (Like mr noodle on sesame st) Btw I dont believe you know how to be lazy!