I realize that it has been nearly a month since I blogged. I realize that I have yet to finish blogging our amazing vacation (I want to go back so. damn. bad.) I realize that this summer is getting away from me.
I have a good reason!
Tomorrow, I take the NCLEX. The first NCLEX I will take, to earn my first nursing license. Yes, after years of droning on and on and on about becoming a nurse...I will soon actually be one. Soon. So soon. Like, I will know for certain by this weekend, soon.
I have spent the last five days studying. I think I have taken more notes in the last five days than I did all last year. I have taken several practice tests. The sole purpose of those, I have decided, is to break me down emotionally and suck every last ounce of confidence out of my body.
The pressure is slowly killing me. I stupidly planned this exam after the 4th of July parades and I'm pretty sure I have stress eaten my weight in taffy. My hair is falling out. I clench my jaw so much that I'm exhibiting TMJ symptoms. I no longer dream of bunnies and rainbows, but of words like ketoacidosis, ischemia, betamethasone and hypernatremia. I have so many lab values floating in my head that it may explode...and numbers will come spilling out like a movie theater popcorn machine gone berserk.
Everyone who has taken the exam already tells me that there is nothing I can do to prepare. I will be questioned about medications I have never heard of and a third of the questions will be "select all that apply". They tell me not to waste my time studying and to just take a nap...because they wished they would have.
They have all passed.
I still can't do it.
I prefer to teeter on the edge of sanity, worried that I will be "The One". I will be the one to fail it. I will be the one who has to show up in the fall when classes start, without my license, because I couldn't hack it. I will be the one who chokes, at the most important time. I will be The One.
God bless my family. They bring me food. They bring me water. They go for runs with me, when I need a break. They hug me when I want to cry. I couldn't do this without them. I pray...I don't let them down.