Friday, March 1, 2013

Wishing My Life Away

When my oldest was a baby, there were many sleepless nights. There were days she cried...and I cried...as we learned how to do this together. I spent many days wishing for this phase to be over.

And then it was...and I'd give anything to have it back.

About seven years ago, I had a new baby, a fifteen month old, a two year old and a four year old. There were days that I never showered and nights I never slept. There was no time for me to be anything other than a breastfeeding - diaper changing - boogie wiping - tantrum calming puddle of a person. I spent many days wishing for this phase to be over.

And then it was...and I'd give anything to have it back.

I spent much of my pregnancies in a bed. My own bed. A hospital bed. All the while trying to keep my baby inside, for as long as possible, to lessen the chances of complications. I was bored, depressed and I felt like a burden to everyone around me. I spent many days wishing for this phase to be over.

And then it was...and I'd give anything to have it back.

I never left the house, without a diaper bag, for years. It was my magical bag that held anything and everything that I could possible need for one, two...five...children. I am pretty sure there were enough Cheerios at the bottom of that thing, to count as food storage for a 72-hour kit. I spent many days wishing for this phase to be over.

And then it was...and I'd give anything to have it back...well, kinda. I do not miss diapers! ;)

Four years ago, I started school. It was the beginning of a long journey to my first degree. I was stressed out, juggling very young kids, Mom's death, a miscarriage, a premature baby, work and classes. I spent many days wishing for this phase to be over.

And then it was...and I'd give anything to have it back.

Now? Now I'm in nursing school. Just getting accepted has allowed me to feel like I have accomplished so much...until I find myself with a midnight deadline and an assignment to do, discussion to post, paper to write and 12 page packet to complete. Then I become incredibly aware of the pressures I am under. I always feel the weight of trying to do more and be better at everything I'm doing. I don't want to flop at school, I don't want to give up my time at the gym, I don't want to slack at work, I certainly don't want to fail my children... So, I spend many of my days wishing for this phase to be over.

But...then it will be...and I know that I will give anything to have it back.

I realized the other day that I need to stop wishing my life away. I need to stop waiting and hoping for something better...because what I have now IS better. It IS good enough. It IS amazing. Right now. I have five amazing children who are growing up before my very eyes and I will never get this time back with them. I have friends and family who are my own personal cheerleaders, every single day. They know I can do this (I mean, hell...I AM doing it, aren't I?). I have made amazing friends in my school program who "get" me and who without, I couldn't do this. We joke that we are each other's new dysfunctional family and in so many ways, it is true. We rely on each other much more than some of us would admit.

I don't want to miss out on this time, on today, because I was busy too wishing my life away. I will never be satisfied and happy, unless I'm  happy and satisfied with what I have right now. Wasting today, because I'm wishing on tomorrow, isn't living. I want to soak up these moments and experiences and yes, even my hard times...because I am trading minutes of my life, for every single one of them.

1 comment:

Miracles Happen said...

What a beautiful and true statements. I think sometimes we think it is greener on the other side, only to find that the other side was just a different shade and that the one on the OTHER side of that is greener too! I thin you have accomplished a TON! Congrats!