My heart is breaking.
I am her mother. I am supposed to know how to fix things that are broken and make every day amazing. I am supposed to know the right things to say and to react to things appropriately, every single time. I am supposed to know what the hell I am doing.
Not with Avers, anyway.
Some days are so good! She is happy and helpful. She will hug me and tell me she loves me. She will play nicely with her siblings. I breathe a sigh of relief on these days. I hope and I pray that what we are doing is working and she is changing. I am hopeful that all of her struggles are behind us and now we can all move on.
Then days like today...and yesterday...and the day before...and every day since last Friday happen. Her moods spiral down and I am slapped in the face, once again, with the realization that she isn't okay and most likely won't be for a long time.
Yesterday was the worst day we have ever had. She woke up at 3:30 am and wanted to watch TV. Maybe some parents would allow this and if it had been a different kid and they just couldn't sleep...perhaps I would have allowed it, too. The thing with Avery is, she needs her sleep. Needs it. More than any other person on the planet. Her sleep cycles need to be consistent, or we know that it contributes to her mood.She takes a mild antidepressant to put her to sleep at the same time every night (otherwise she would not sleep until midnight..1...2...).
Anyway...I digress. She woke up at 3:30 am and when I would not allow her to watch TV (because I needed her to go back to sleep), she spent the next four hours until we left for school, screaming. And crying. And asking over and over and over to watch TV. There is no reasoning with her, when she gets like this. It is hard to explain to someone that has never seen it, but imagine trying to explain to an 18 month old the reasons why they cannot run into the street. That is what it is like trying to reason with Avery. Once she gets something in her head, she will not let it go and she cannot "hear" you, when you explain why that is not okay.
After a weekend of her not wanting to do anything and being argumentative, I was exhausted. This mood carried into last night and through to this morning. It took me 30 minutes to get her dressed, meanwhile the rest of my kids managed their chores and getting dressed, alone.
It breaks my heart.
Not only am I frustrated that I don't know what to do to handle Avers, but my other kids suffer through this. They have to deal with her screaming and her aggression, like the rest of us, but they also suffer with not having Mommy. I can't focus on them, because I'm so focused on her. I feel like they are abandoned to deal with themselves, while all my attention is on Avery. Yes, I still do their hair and I still feed them breakfast, but they know that they need to police themselves when it comes to everything else.
On the bright side, my kids have become extremely self sufficient...for the most part. They still use these days as an excuse to be lax on their chores and get away with a little more than they normally would...but overall, they step up. They get their homework and chores done with little direction and for that...I am thankful.
I have kept a behavior log for the last three months, for her psychiatrist. We wanted to see if there was a pattern to the moods or figure out a trigger. So far, the only trigger I can see, are days that end in "Y". I know she is having me keep this log because we are at a crossroads. Avery is at the higher end of the normal dosage range for the med she is on and we now have to decide, do we up that more, change her med completely, or keep her where she is and add a daytime med? I don't know what her psychiatrist is thinking about adding, but anything scares me. I hate the thought of "drugging" my child...but I hate my child feeling out of control and unhappy, more.
It just...breaks my heart.