Avery's journey began at birth...but when we finally reached out for help, over a year ago, we heavily weighed all of the pros and cons when the topic of medication came up. Every few months since then, as we've found that the trazadone wasn't working as effectively as we would like, we had decisions to make, again. Up the dosage, or push through? Every time, we have chosen to up the dosage, in the hope that we would hit the magical number that our growing girl needed, in order to find her "normal".
Today, Avery's journey changed again. No longer will she be taking just a nighttime dosage of trazadone, but she will be starting a daily dose of sertraline (Zoloft).
I know all the information. I know the black box warnings. I know the risks. I'm scared to death.
I'm more scared, that if we don't do this, Avery will never find her "normal". I don't want to medicate my child. I don't want her to be dependent on medication to function. But I have to...and she is. I want this medication to open up Avery's world to a place that is full of love and not frustration. I want to be able to explain situations to her, instead of her not "hearing" me. I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, instead of feeling like no one understands.
I did an assignment in one of my classes last week that really hit home. I had to read a case study about a woman with bipolar, who stopped taking her medication. There is a lot more to the story, but as I read that, along with information in the chapter about adolescent bipolar symptoms, I cried. I could have been reading a print out about my own daughter. I'm terrified for the future. I'm scared of when I am no longer in charge of her medication distribution. I'm scared of what she would go through and not even be aware of it.
All I can do, is hope that the foundation we are setting for her now, will be strong enough to hold her up in the future. As we continue on, in search of "normal", I just have to hope that Avery knows how much I love her, even when she can't "hear" me.