Sunday, August 26, 2012

My Apology Letter To The World

I'm scared. Scared I will not be able to handle the demands of nursing school, working and raising a family. I'm scared I will not do as well in my classes as I should, or even worse...fail them, and disappoint you all. I cannot get below a B- in any class, or it is considered failed and if that happens twice, I'm out of the program. I know that I didn't come close to grades like that before, (except for Chemistry, but that was the semester Mom passed away, so I forgave myself), but I wasn't taking classes like I will be now.

I'm scared. Scared that my crazy schedule will make me so inaccessible, people will think that I'm blowing them off and don't care. In reality, I will be juggling school work, clinicals, work, Josh's work schedule, Josh's school schedule, charter school schedule, preschool schedule, Taekwando, gymnastics and dance. I really do care and I really do want to be everywhere and not forget anything...but I'm going to. I'm likely going to miss birthday parties, BBQs and celebrations at times, but the rest of my family can celebrate for me and know they are sending my love! I'm going to miss my children's weekly Show What You Know programs (of course they are on the same day as my clinicals!), but I hope they'll forgive me and know that Bek has promised to video tape every single one, so I can still see it later that night. I'm going to have times when I lock myself away to do homework and study...I'm sorry that it will feel like I am missing out. I promise...it is for a greater purpose.

I'm scared. Scared that I will become so overwhelmed and frustrated with my stress that I will lash out at those that I love. I will allow my exhaustion and tension to get the better of me...and I will hurt those who are helping me. I know that I become agitated when things go awry, because I work so hard to create plans that will work and flow together. I'm so sorry if I ever hurt any of you. My family and friends mean the world to me and you have all played a role in getting me here, whether you know it or not. Babysitting while I go to class. Your kinds words on a bad day. Dinner brought over. Encouraging words messaged to me. A shoulder to cry on. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.

I'm scared. Scared mostly, that I will disappoint myself. At the end of the day, this accomplishment or failure, is mine. No one can give that or take that away from me.

I'm sorry, if I disappoint any of you over the next little while. There is no manual on how to survive nursing school while living MY life. (And if there is, I don't have time to read it anyway!) I'm going to do the best job that I can, apologize for my mistakes and hope that you'll forgive me.

I love you. Forever. Plus a day.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Pity Party For One, Please!

My headaches and migraines have picked up again. *sigh* They always do in the fall, so this is nothing new. I'm on my Topamax again and struggling with the side effects. My fingers tingle...a pins and needles feeling, like they are falling asleep. When I am working a long shift and having a hard time typing...and dealing with a headache from staring at a computer screen from sun up till sun down...it makes for a long day.

On top of that,I have moments when my face, usually around my lips, goes numb. I could pierce my lip if I wanted to (which, for the record, I don't) without feeling a thing. It's annoying, more than anything.

I know I'm just complaining. People in my life have it much worse than I do. One of my best friend deals with MS on a daily basis. Another friend just lost her pregnancy. Another friend has a good friend battling breast cancer at the young age of 33. My pity party is ridiculous...and I know it.

But...I'm having one anyway, today.

Pity party for one, please!

:)-

Monday, August 20, 2012

One Love

Eleven years ago, two young kids walked into a courthouse with a one month old baby in tow. Their friends thought they were crazy and destined for divorce. Their family tried to humor them and prayed they would make it, for the baby's sake, at least.

There would be no limo. There would be no wedding line. There would be no flower girl. There would be no reception. There would hardly be a recognition at all, of the coming together of these two lives.

It would still be one of the happiest days of their lives.

Now...it hasn't always been easy.

They've fought. They've fought each other...for dumb reasons and for valid reasons. They've fought the world...to leave them alone and to stay out of their marriage and their decisions.

They've loved. They've loved each other through it all...the good, the bad and the ugly. Through the days when one or the other didn't deserve it.

They made it...when the world didn't think they would and when they didn't think they would, either.

Eleven Years.
Ten Pets.
Nine Vehicles.
Eight College Years Between Them. (so far)
Seven States Visited on Family Vacations.
Six Pregnancies.
Five Kids.
Four Moves.
Three Broken Bones.
Two Deaths.
One Amazing Love.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Why Charter School?

Recently, a friend posted on facebook regarding the local charter school. She was questioning whether or not to enroll her child and wanted opinions. (She reads my blog sometimes, so she will know it is her that I'm talking about...HI!!) ;)

One of her friends responded and her answer got me thinking about why we chose charter school. The friend stated that she likes that her kids go to school with her neighbors and people they go to church with. She said that they miss the neighbors that choose to use "charter" school. (Why the quotations, I'm not sure.)

I hope my friend isn't offended at all, but that response made me want to offer my opinion about that. I had already commented why we chose charter and didn't want the friend to think I was arguing with her, so I divert to my blog. Where I can ramble about anything. ;)

I LOVE the fact that my children are exposed to more than just the kids we live by. We may attend a different school, but we still have a lot of interaction with our neighbors. Charter school allows them to interact with those around us, as well as meet other children from neighboring towns. They go to school with children who come from different backgrounds, family dynamics, cultures and beliefs; more so than if they only attended school with those that live within a few miles of us.

Another thing I love about charter school is the additional attention paid to my children that need a bit more help, as well as the opportunity for my more advanced children to be challenged. I like that cursive is introduced in kindergarten, instead of third grade. I like that they encourage no television during the school week and place an emphasis on reading.

Additionally, the environment is run on the understanding that behavior is of utmost importance. Actions that would be allowed in public school are immediately addressed in charter. I like peeking in on classrooms and seeing the children sitting in their desks, feet on the floor, facing forward, with their hands folded on their desk. The curriculum is taught in such a way that it engages the children throughout, rather than them just being lectured to. I also enjoy receiving a schedule every day, that outlines everything my child did at school, as well as their behavior. If my child is acting out in class, I know about it that very same day. I don't have to hear about it a month later, at parent/teacher conferences, when it is hard for me to respond or guide my child.

Uniforms have been a huge blessing, as well. I no longer have to hear, "I have nothing to wear!". They have a few options to choose from and that is that. I no longer hear that so and so has this brand of clothes or type of clothing. Every child wears the same type of thing and clothing no longer becomes a focal point.

I know that this type of environment is not wanted or important to everyone, and that's fine! It is wanted and important to my family. I feel that my children have grown tremendously socially, academically and personally, because of our choice to attend charter. That's not to say that there is anything wrong with public school. My children did wonderful and had some amazing experiences in public school, as well! We've had some great teachers who I absolutely adore and wish we could still have. We simply weighed pros and cons and for us, charter was the way to go! I haven't regretted the decision, at all! :)

Monday, August 13, 2012

Can You Dig It?

I went to purchase my scrubs the other day and well...it was super fun. *insert sarcasm font here*

I have to have a particular color, so that it matches the holy freaking insanely expensive scrub top that is mandated by Weber State. I walk into the scrub store and am greeted by a very friendly, size 0, girl...

Girl: "Can I help you find anything?"
Me: "Yes, I need tall/long purple pants to match the trim on this shirt."

Girl: "What size are you?"
Me: *looking at her dumbly* " I'm not sure. My regular pant size?"

Girl: "What size do you think you'll be? Small?"
Me:
*What I Thought (WIT)* "Small? Honey...I have hips and a bum. You're cute, but don't patronize me. I know you get your scrub pants in the children's section."
*What I Said (WIS)* "Probably a large. With all the bending and lifting...I want to be comfortable."

Girl: *flits from style to style and hands me three pairs to try on...in a medium*
Me:
WIT: "Thanks for asking my size and then disregarding it. This will be fun to try on."
WIS: "Thanks. Dressing room?"

After trying them on...

Girl: "Any of those work?"
Me:
WIT: "Girl, I TOLD you I need a large."
WIS: "No, I need a large to try on."

Girl: "Well did you like the way the Koi brand felt?"
Me:
WIT: "GIRL! I told you I need a large! Why are you asking me how a medium fit? If the medium fit, I wouldn't be standing here, embarrassed, asking your 15 inch waist to find me a large!!!"
WIS: *speaking very slowly in case she just didn't hear me* "I have no idea how that brand felt. I need a large to try on."

Girl: "Oh, okay" *hands me hideous pair of flared scrubs*
Me: *tries them on...realize I'm between sizes or something because they are a tad too big and have HUGE flared bottoms*
WIT: "I feel like John Travolta ready to disco in these things..."
WIS: "I feel like John Travolta ready to disco in these things..."


At the end of the day...I bought them. I need some for now and until I have time to get some new ones, at least these aren't floods.  

And...I'm ready to boogie at any given moment.  

Can you dig it??   ;)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

As Summer Eases Out

Summer is coming to a close and while I'm looking forward to everything that fall is going to bring us...I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss the late night movies and flexible bed times. I'm going to miss Sunday Night S'mores, crowded around the fire pit. I'm going to miss the smell of sunscreen. I'm going to miss the pronounced freckles, on my kids' sun-kissed faces. I'm going to miss the endless sleepovers and feeling like my house is a revolving door for the neighborhood kids. I'm going to miss watermelon. I'm going to miss the ease of each day, with minimal pressing deadlines. I'm going to miss picnics at the pool. I'm going to miss it all.

Where did summer go? I swear the last day of school was just a couple weeks ago! I realized today that Bailey has six summers left. Six. Then she will be graduating and heading off on her own adventures. What a sobering thought. Time is scurrying along and I don't know how I can slow it down.

Ever feel like sometimes...you are missing out on your own life? Like things are rushing by you so fast, that if you blink you will miss so much of it? It feels like I'm always looking toward the next thing to accomplish, or next thing to cross off my to-do list.

I really need to figure out how to slow down and be in the moment....

...so I don't miss it.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

If Heaven Had Snail Mail

Dear Mom,

It's been a hard day. No particular reason...it just has. I started crying, randomly, because I can't call you. See you. Talk to you. Tell you about our day. Call...for no reason at all, but to hear your voice. Make you laugh with stories of the kids' latest antics. Get advice from you, that I won't listen to, knowing that you'd never say, "I told you so!"

Every time I think I've dealt with your loss and I don't hurt anymore, I find that I haven't...and I do. You're missing out on so much of our lives and I so wish we could share it all with you. Life has changed, and is still changing, so fast. It would take a long lunch at Noodles & Company to catch you up on it all.

I found a journal entry in your box of things, about Josh and I. It was surreal to see your handwriting and so refreshing to read your loving words. I'm thankful that, even then, you felt the way you did and supported us no matter what. I haven't been through all the boxes we have been given, yet. I can only take it for a few minutes at a time, before it becomes overwhelming.

I know you are happy and healthy and for that, I am grateful. I only wish that I could see you one more time. Hug you, one more time. Tell you thank you and I love you, one more time.

Love, Me