Monday, December 10, 2012
Ups and Downs
Things have been rough lately. I don't know if she has outgrown her medication dosage, or what. She isn't sleeping like she should...I awaken often to find her up at 4 am...2 am...and it is rare for her to fall back asleep, meaning that she is difficult the following day. The yelling, the backtalk, the anger...that drove us to seek help in the first place...is back.
She was upset today, because I told her that she was having $0.50 from her weekly allowance deducted (the same as her siblings), because the children's television room was not kept clean all week. She then proceeded to kick a hole in her bedroom wall.
If this were any of my other children, I would know how to solve this. I would know what to do and say, in order for them to understand that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in our home. I could rationalize with them.
But...she is not my other kids. She is Avery. To anyone else, she is being a brat. To those who really know her, she is cycling through her moods. It is hard. It hurts. I feel like a bad mother, because I can't make it better. Fix it. Fix her. I just have to hope that what I am doing, is what is best.
I opened up to her teacher a few weeks ago, regarding Avery's difficulties. She didn't respond. At all. I got no acknowledgement. Not even a "Thanks for letting me know." I had decided to alert her to Avery's needs, because of a note I got regarding her behavior at school. Since that day, when I sent the email, it seems that Avery has pulled a card nearly every day. I am trying not to feel like she is being singled out or picked on...and I probably wouldn't feel that way if her teacher had just hit the "reply" button. Does she think it's easy, for a mother to open up, like that? Does she think it's fun for me, to explain that my child is different?
It's hard for me to remember that Avery is a little girl, struggling, when things get like this. When she is in a good mood, she is fun to be around. She is giggly and well behaved and aims to please. I try to hang on to those memories, for times like this.
I've placed a call to her therapist, reaching out for help again. I don't know if just a therapy session will solve this, or a change in medication is needed.
I. Just. Need. Help.
It's frustrating, too. Every time she cycles down like this, I am reminded that this will most likely be forever. It won't go away. It won't be outgrown. It may be managed more effectively, but she...and I...will forever struggle with her behavior and moods.
There is no cure...but there is love.
Love will not fix it. Love will not change it. But, love will get us through it. Somehow.
And I LOVE this little girl, more than she will ever understand.