Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Feeling...Blah

Told you another grumbly post would happen soon. There will be no boasting mommy thoughts in this post (even if I do love the little boogers).

I'm...done.

I'm feeling kicked while I'm down.

I'm feeling lost.

I can't even put it into mature sentences, apparently.

I feel like people are beginning to grow frustrated with my schedule and my lack of time...and I don't know what to do about it. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't seem to matter. Saying "I'll do better" is always a hope, but never a definite. I don't want people to think I'm making excuses, but I'm pretty sure that's what they think. I wish they could peek at my daily life, just long enough to get a glimpse of what it is like.

My Mondays are spent trying to pad my hours at work, so that I have less to put in later in the week. This is also the day all my homework is due, by midnight. As you can imagine, I start the week off tired.

Tuesdays are spent running the older kids to school by 8 am, taking Peanut to ballet at 11 and picking her up at 12, dropping her off at preschool at 12:30 and picking her up at 3:00, picking the olders up at 3:30 and cramming in their homework before I drop Bay off at dance at 4:15, the twins of terror at taekwondo at 5:00, pick Bay up at 5:15, drop Ry off at gymnastics at 6:00, pick up the "twins" at 7:00 and pick up Ry at 8:00. During all that, I am also working 6-8 hours and studying for a pharmacology test that I have the next day, depending on the week. It goes without saying that I hate Tuesdays.

Wednesdays are early day, so all the kids are out of school at 1:30 and I am usually cramming everything I possibly can into my brain for pharmacology. I believe my last test had 24 medications on it that I had to know dosages, administration, side effects, adverse effects, nursing considerations and patient teachings for. I'm also still working my usual 6-8 hours.

Thursdays I am gone doing clinical hours. I am up by 4:30 am, out the door by 5:15 am and I don't return home until 6:30 pm. Then it's picking up taekwondo at 7:00 and gymnastics at 8:00. Somewhere in this mess I have to cram for my other class, because that test will be tomorrow.

Fridays vary. Either I'm gone to lab class up on campus, which involves driving an hour and a half, sitting in class for eight hours and driving home another hour and a half. If I'm not in lab, then I'm working, cramming for the test I'll take that evening, taking kids to school, picking them up, taking them to taekwondo, picking them up and driving up to a local campus to take my test.

Saturdays usually involve me doing homework. All. Day. Long. On average, in a week, I have two assignments, two papers, a discussion post, two post conferences (which are three page assignments, each), and something for lab...usually a health and history packet, communication packet or a comprehensive packet (that sucker is nine pages long!). Add in study guides on test weeks (every other week), power points to review, lectures to listen to and the (on average) 400 pgs of assigned reading. (To be perfectly honest...I've yet to actually do all that reading on any given week...)

Sundays I try to start off with a big family breakfast. I need the break by then and I miss feeling like "just a Mom". Then, I'm either catching up on work, or homework for the rest of the day.

Mixed in that chaos is of course all the normal things. Laundry. Cooking. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Dentist appointments. Aver's therapy. All the things that don't stop needing to be done. If I didn't have Josh and Bek's help...I'd lose my ever loving mind. There is no way I could function.

Why not put the kids in public school instead of Charter? It would cut down on their workload, the extra driving and simultaneously, my stress. I've asked myself this too. But, how is that fair? They love their school and they are excelling in ways that they weren't in public school. I can't take that away from them, just because it is hard for me.

Why do all their extracurricular activities? An hour of dance for Peanut a week, an hour of dance for Bay a week, six hours of taekwondo (each) for the twins of terror a week and four hours of gymnastics for Ry a week is a lot and hard to juggle. Yeah...I know. You know what else is hard? Mommy guilt. They LOVE their activities and I HATE not being available to them as much as I used to. So...I deal with the insanity and let them do what they love, because I am doing what I love. They support me...so I support them.

*sigh*

That is my life. In a nutshell. It's why I don't come around as much. Or answer the phone as quickly. Or respond to texts right away. It's not because I don't care...because I do. It's not because I don't want to...because I do.

It's not you...it's me.

Cliché as it may sound.

3 comments:

Andrea said...

Oh hun...next time someone seems to not understand why you don't have time, hand them a print-out of THIS and they will quickly realize that it truly is NOT anything personal or that you are making a quick excuse. Goodness, there literally are not enough hours in the day to do what you have to do each day.

Our Family of Four said...

You are super woman! Seriously. I complain about my busy days with 2 kids when Mike is gone... And we don't even have half of the stuff on our plates that you do! You amaze me! Keep up the good work. You are such a good role model for your kids.. and for me! :)

DizzyMamma said...

You know, I only have 2 kids, only one does activities (2 nights a week), I work full time, but I don't do school, and my house is still a mess, the kids get more Happy Meals and pizza than I would like, and I have mommy guilt for all the times I say no, or another time. I have a quarter of the pressure, and apparently a quarter of the impetus to do stuff that you have. Never feel you are letting people down, you are not. And if they can not see that, and support you at this time, then they are letting you down. You are doing fantastic, way more than mere mortals like me manage, so way to go SuperWoman! (You know you are nearly a third of the way to summer break right?!?!)