I'm scared. Scared I will not be able to handle the demands of nursing school, working and raising a family. I'm scared I will not do as well in my classes as I should, or even worse...fail them, and disappoint you all. I cannot get below a B- in any class, or it is considered failed and if that happens twice, I'm out of the program. I know that I didn't come close to grades like that before, (except for Chemistry, but that was the semester Mom passed away, so I forgave myself), but I wasn't taking classes like I will be now.
I'm scared. Scared that my crazy schedule will make me so inaccessible, people will think that I'm blowing them off and don't care. In reality, I will be juggling school work, clinicals, work, Josh's work schedule, Josh's school schedule, charter school schedule, preschool schedule, Taekwando, gymnastics and dance. I really do care and I really do want to be everywhere and not forget anything...but I'm going to. I'm likely going to miss birthday parties, BBQs and celebrations at times, but the rest of my family can celebrate for me and know they are sending my love! I'm going to miss my children's weekly Show What You Know programs (of course they are on the same day as my clinicals!), but I hope they'll forgive me and know that Bek has promised to video tape every single one, so I can still see it later that night. I'm going to have times when I lock myself away to do homework and study...I'm sorry that it will feel like I am missing out. I promise...it is for a greater purpose.
I'm scared. Scared that I will become so overwhelmed and frustrated with my stress that I will lash out at those that I love. I will allow my exhaustion and tension to get the better of me...and I will hurt those who are helping me. I know that I become agitated when things go awry, because I work so hard to create plans that will work and flow together. I'm so sorry if I ever hurt any of you. My family and friends mean the world to me and you have all played a role in getting me here, whether you know it or not. Babysitting while I go to class. Your kinds words on a bad day. Dinner brought over. Encouraging words messaged to me. A shoulder to cry on. It doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated.
I'm scared. Scared mostly, that I will disappoint myself. At the end of the day, this accomplishment or failure, is mine. No one can give that or take that away from me.
I'm sorry, if I disappoint any of you over the next little while. There is no manual on how to survive nursing school while living MY life. (And if there is, I don't have time to read it anyway!) I'm going to do the best job that I can, apologize for my mistakes and hope that you'll forgive me.
I love you. Forever. Plus a day.