"Let it stop."
I completed my CNA course yesterday. (YAY!) I can now contact the state about taking their tests and then...*drumroll*... mail off that nursing school application that I've been talking about for years.
One of the things we did on our final day of class, was watch an HBO movie called, "Wit". It originally aired in 2001 and stars Emma Thompson. She is an English scholar, who becomes a victim of metastatic stage IV ovarian cancer. The movie documents her journey through a rigorous chemotherapy treatment, emotionless doctors and a nurse that truly cares for her patients.
It was incredibly hard to watch this and remember Mom's treatments and realize, once again, how much pain and fear Mom must have hid from all of us. She was such a strong woman and I become more aware of it now, as I reflect back on that time.
This particular scene in the movie, touched me. Prof Bearing makes the decision to sign a DNR, choosing not to be resuscitated, should her heart stop beating. This scene cuts it off, but the movie goes on to show the nurse leave and Prof Bearing curls in a ball, hiding under her blankets, in fright. I can't imagine what it would be like to make this decision, personally. I can't imagine what it would be like to decide and accept that death is coming...and being kept alive in my current state is no life at all.
Additionally, this reminded me again that while Josh and I have done many things right in the event of our deaths, we still have a few things to finalize. I wonder how many people my age, with children have actually done this. I know that it's an important thing to think about, however hard it may be. I know they will be taken care of financially...but I want the peace of mind in knowing that should my heart stop beating...they will be loved as much as I love them now.