Friday, January 27, 2012
I Cried Out For Help
I cried out for help.
I hate asking for help. With anything. It makes me feel like I am failing and not handling everything that I committed myself to. I'm strong. I'm able. I shouldn't need anything from anyone else, right?
Yesterday was the peak of several horrible days with Avery. We know her moods cluster and come in waves...but it doesn't make riding them out any easier. I want my happy, silly girl all the time. I don't want to deal with, nor do I know how to deal with, the angry, violent, out of control child that I have most of the time.
I don't know everything, but I know a lot about certain subjects. I may not know a lot about cars or computers or geography, but if you have questions about parenting methods or anything medically related...I'm your girl. So, when I feel like everything I know is being tested, it's difficult. I don't want to admit that I'm lost. That I don't know what to do. That what I'm doing isn't working.
I finally had to wave the white flag yesterday and call Avery's therapist. Leaving a crying voicemail for her was definitely not my most shining moment, but it got the point across. She called me back and fit Josh and I in this morning, without Avery. Just knowing she could hear my tension and frustration...and she cared...got me through the rest of the day.
Talking to her today made me feel so much better. Knowing that she deals with children like Avery all the time, makes me feel like it's not my fault. I'm not failing. It's not something I've done. It's not something I'm doing wrong. It's Avery. I can't control this any more than I could control it if she had cancer. Could this be because of her being a preemie and then surviving a traumatic illness at six weeks old? Perhaps. But again...not. my. fault. I've got to let how I'm feeling go, so that I can focus on what to do for her.
I told her how much it hurts me to see how this is affecting my other children. I hate knowing they are afraid of their sister...and they have every right to be. I hate knowing that they must, at times, feel pushed aside, because I have to deal with Avery. Sadly, that doesn't seem like it's going to change any time soon. Right now I have to deal with Avery. I have to focus on Avery. I have to help her cope and learn how to deal with the anger inside of her. I have to teach her how to relax and verbalize her emotions, rather than lash out.
No, I'm not failing...but, I have to be better. I don't know how to find more time in my busy days. But I have to. I don't know how to find even more patience. But I have to. I don't know how to reason with someone that is angry and unreasonable. But I have to.
What I don't have to do, is do it alone.