Friday, July 29, 2011

Sometimes, It Sucks Being A Girl...

Wow. Yesterday was a day. You know, one of those days.

One of those days that husbands dread coming home from work, because they are pretty sure that they are going to find their wife standing in the kitchen, simultaneously washing dishes, cooking dinner, sweeping the floor, screaming that no one helps her...and her head spinning around all Poltergeist-like...

...or curled up on the bathroom floor, fetal position, crying her eyes out, for no apparent reason...

...or standing in the front room, tossing his bow out the front door, along with his waders, hiking boots, backpack and clothes from last week's hiking trip...because they were still laying on the floor...

...not that I did any of that.

Okay, I didn't do most of that.

But I sure as hell wanted to.

Holy hormones, my friends. I have no idea what was up with yesterday, but I swear I could feel the weight of the world, crashing down on my head. All of a sudden I was panicking about everything, at once. Money. Time. Getting the kids registered for school. Relationships. Being a bad Mom. Not getting into nursing school. I was a basketcase. I knew I was going nucking futs, but I didn't know exactly why...and I didn't have a clue how to stop it.

Couple the hormones with the fact that I was craving...and ate...4 mangoes in a 24 hour period (not including the ones in my daily smoothie...) and you would have thought I was pregnant. Like...octo-mom pregnant...riding some crazy hormonal roller coaster. Thankfully, that's about as likely as me growing a third arm.

Although...a third arm would come in mighty handy...

Heh. Handy. Get it?

I digress...

Josh should get combat pay, for dealing with me yesterday. Granted, he brought some of it on himself (put your freaking crap away!! I didn't give birth to a 6'5" manchild and I refuse to clean up after one!!)...(Uh...I love you!)...but, for the most part, I was just being a fruit loop. Poor guy. *sigh*

Yup, sometimes, it sucks being a girl...but it probably sucks more, being married to one.

***Note: No, I didn't really toss his things out on the front lawn and his bow was not harmed in the making of this horrific day. I calmly walked it upstairs and placed it in it's proper place, in our closet. JUST LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE DONE. ;)

Friday, July 22, 2011

Behavior: Needs Improvement

Dear Kids,

Yesterday, there was a lot of yelling. A. Lot. Of. Yelling. All day long. It was rather obnoxious. There was also a lot of tears. Now, I know they were from frustration, but they were a bit excessive. Add in the sarcastic comments and temper was complete chaos.

There needs to be a tad more patience, don't you agree?

I'm sorry. I'll try to be better. I was having a bad day.

Love, Mommy


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Happy Birthday, Miss Bailey Alivia

Ten years ago today, a beautiful miracle was placed in my arms. We stared at each other, in wonder; her big eyes searching mine, in confusion. I immediately fell in love with her and vowed that from that moment on, my entire life would be lived for her.

As a nineteen year old mother, I was frightened and cautiously excited. How could I be responsible for this little baby girl, when I still felt like so much of a child, myself? Josh and I never planned to become parents, so young and she was quite the surprise. However, I resented anyone that ever indicated that my precious baby was a "mistake" (and yes, people actually did.) Bailey was and forever will be, a blessing that we never knew we wanted. She filled a hole in my heart, that I didn't know was there.

Over the years, this little girl has become a big sister four times. She has had two broken arms. She has said good-bye to her Uncle Jared and her Grandma. She has her tonsils and adenoids removed. She has survived two years of preschool, kindergarten, first, second, third and fourth grade. I don't know where the time has gone...

Bailey Bug, I love you so very much. You are such a thoughtful and helpful girl. I'm watching you change, almost daily, into a beautiful and amazing young woman. You are so incredibly smart and make me very proud of you. I love your artistic side and I'm so impressed with your capabilities. You are incredibly talented, not only at sketching, but at playing the piano. I love watching you get excited over learning something new. You are a wonderful big sister and I seeing you play with your siblings. Your grandma would be so proud of who you are becoming. Happy Birthday, Baily Boo. Your dad and I love you, so very, very much!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Feel The Burn

Every summer I swear that I just want a nice base tan on my legs...and every year I burn the ever loving hell out of myself...


This year, somehow, Bay managed to touch my leg with her sunblocked hand and arm and left me quite the tan line. Once I got passed the first three days where I could hardly bare weight on my legs and threw up from the pain, I got quite the laughs...

See her hand and arm print? Her thumb is toward my inner calf, fingers point out and arm goes down my shin.

These pictures don't do the burn justice. My legs turned purple. PURPLE. I was hurting.
Thankfully, the kids' swimming lessons are over for the year, I really am rocking quite a nice tan now and I'm no longer in pain. After taking almost two weeks off from running, it felt really good to get back out on the road this morning. I easily ran 3.25 miles and could have gone further, but didn't want to push it too hard, after so much time off. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow! I do know that my headaches and migraines picked up, as soon as I stopped running. I guess I need the endorphines and time out of the house to destress, as effective pain prevention.

During my time off, I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead". It was amazing! This man suffered from an auto-immune disease and was extremely obese. He decided to go on a strict juicing regimen for 60 days! Now, I'm not insane (nor could I ever do that!), but I was intrigued by being able to put so many fruits and vegetables into my body, in one sitting! Why not supplement my already basically healthy diet? So, with a blender and some creativity, I've drank these in the past few days:

Apple, banana, strawberry, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries, spinach and kale.

Apple, banana, pear, spinach, kale, mustard greens and flaxseed oil.
Despite the repulsive color, the first one was actually the better tasting of the two. I never could have eaten as much as I drank, so I'll definitely be keeping this up. So far, my tummy is trying to figure out what in the world I am doing to it, but I know that if I stick with it, I will be feeling great!

I had the kids try some of it and they even love it! Most of them even still liked it after I told them what was in it... :) I encourage you to try it! Even if you don't add the veggies, the blended fruits are really good and amazingly good for you.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Crossing The Line

I debate with myself sometimes with how personal I want to get on my blog. While this is my sounding board and my place to document my feelings…there are certain subjects I will never discuss. However, there are other subjects that fall in a gray area. This is when I can spend days, weeks, months or even years deciding whether or not I want to write out my thoughts.

This particular post is something I debated about writing, for a long time. It’s a very personal subject not only for me, but my husband. However, with his blessing, I’ve decided it’s time to write this.

When I joined the Church of Latter-Day Saints and became LDS, it was a very personal decision. I come from a Catholic family and I knew that converting would upset some of my family. Thankfully, they choose to basically ignore my decision and let me live my life the way I see fit. A year after converting, Josh and I were sealed as a Forever Family in the Salt Lake Temple. As part of this process, I took out endowments and made certain commitments and covenants, including the promise to wear garments. I’m not going to get into the details of all of this. This post isn’t meant to educate anyone on the processes of the LDS church, I’m simply making it clear that yes, I knew what I was getting into.

A couple years ago, Josh and I went through a very difficult time. This is one of those subjects that I will never discuss, nor post about. It was our personal hell, but continues to be something that we learn and grow from. During this time, I made the very difficult and personal decision to stop wearing my garments. The only explanation that I will give, which quite honestly isn’t really even necessary in my opinion, is this: during this time, things were brought up and discussed between Josh and I that made me feel as though we were not prepared to go through the Temple when we had and as such, I no longer felt worthy enough to be wearing garments. However, this decision does not make me a less worthy human being, as some seem to view it.

To someone who is not a member of the Church, they would probably question why I would dedicate a post to the type of underclothes I choose to wear. They probably question why in the world it is such a big deal to anyone else. Well…I don’t have a good answer. It is a personal decision to choose to start wearing them and it should be a personal decision if someone chooses to stop wearing them. But, in the Church culture…it’s not.

Recently, it seems that my decision has caused some jibber jabber (yes, even two years later) among the peanut gallery. Typically, when I am around family and Church friends I still tend to dress as though I have garments on, although I will admit that I’ve become more relaxed lately. However, I recently went on a date with my handsome husband and posted this photo of the two of us on facebook.

I bought a new outfit to go out that night and it was very obvious that I was not wearing garments. I thought I was careful about who got to see this photo; however it became apparent the next day, as calls and texts started coming in that people were questioning what I was wearing. It got to the point that I removed the photo from public viewing.


I am almost 30 years old. I thought the days of being questioned about my apparel ended 13 years ago, when I moved out of my parent’s house. In all honesty, even then I was never questioned about my clothing choices, because they have never been excessively immodest, flamboyant, inappropriate, ect. Even if I had chosen an outfit that was “inappropriate”…I’m. A. Grown. Woman.

I don’t feel that my choice in clothing should cause such an upheaval. There are far more pressing matters to worry about in the world. Nor do I feel that my choice to not wear garments should cause gossip, whispering, speculation or questions about my spirituality, morality or judgment. I didn’t make the decision lightly, but regardless, it was personal and didn’t change who I am as a person.

When I see that photo, I don’t see a woman not wearing garments. I see a woman who feels beautiful for perhaps one of the first times, in a long time. I see a woman who has never had a healthy body image, but through hard work, years of frustration, too many tears and an understanding husband, has begun to heal. I see a woman who is becoming comfortable in her own skin. I see a woman who is radiating happiness from inside her soul.

Those who view this photo and choose to focus on anything else need to reevaluate what is truly important in this life. We are counseled to “Love Thy Neighbor”, not “Love Thy Neighbor’s Garment Lines.”

1,000 Post!!...And Still Going Strong...

Well, I didn't end up with a lot of questions, but I sure did end up thought provoking ones! Thanks to everyone that participated!

Amy, over at STAT asked: "My question is about running. How did you start? What was your plan?". Well, I started a lot of times, over many years. I've always wanted to be a runner...but I suck at it. Even now. :) It's a struggle for me and I've always ended up quitting after a couple weeks. I'm not a natural runner. I can't just jump off the couch and run 5 miles, like my husband can. I have to fight for every new distance that I add. Last year I ran in an all women's 6K race (by "ran", I mean that I walk/jogged the distance). When I looked up the race again this year, I looked at the 10K division and thought, "Hmm...I want to RUN that." I had just finished spring semester and was looking at a summer off school, so I had a little bit of "spare" time. I found a couch to 10K program here and found a willing friend to be my daily running buddy. Having that goal to work towards is important for me. I can't just run, to run. I need to have something I'm working for. So far, I'm 8 weeks into the program and running 5K distances now...something I've never been able to do in the past without having to take walk breaks. I really hope to one day complete a half marathon!

Another friend Amy (private blog) asked: "I want to know if you always planned on having 5 kids? Or did it just happen that way?". I came into this marriage wanting three kids. Josh wanted six. Well... :) With every baby, he somehow talked me into another baby. If it wasn't for miscarrying Carter and Peanut being born at 33 weeks, perhaps we would have had all six. However, the way life played out, it was evident that my body was done and a sixth baby on earth, was not meant to be. :)

Hillary at Mondragon Mayhem asked: "What has been your most rewarding mommy moment, and your most frustrating?". It's hard to pick out one defining moment, in them all. I would say that any time that I've seen my children succeed, has been rewarding. Whether that has been as big as learning to write their name, potty train or ride a bike for the first time, or as personal as seeing them overcome a particular individual struggle. Of course, a specific favorite, across the board with all the children, was the first time each of them said, "I love you", without being prompted. Likewise, my most frustrating moment is hard to single out. It usually comes down to the same scenario of me realizing that I won't always have all the answers and I can't always protect them from the pain of the world. It's frustrating as a Mommy to not know how to fix everything or stop all the hurt. I'm supposed the be the superhero that shields them from the weight of the world; it's humbling when I realize that I can't always do that.

Michele at Name Brand Mom In Generic Jeans asked: "Is your bond with your son different than with your girls? I know the love is all the same but how is your bond with your son different than with your daughters?". I pondered this one, a lot. I really thought I would say, it's not. Perhaps it's because they are all still so young? As he gets older and approaches teenagerhood (I'm coining that as a new word), then the bond will change a bit. However, right now, I can't really think of any way that it is different. I know when he was a newborn, I remember it feeling different...but now that he is sandwiched between girls and we all do pretty much the same activities and he's a part of the same conversations, I'd say the bond is too similar to dissect. Huh. I'm kinda shocked at my answer on this one. 

Well, that's it. Thank you to all my readers...however often you happen to stop by MY little world. :)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Even On My Weakest Days...

...I get a little bit stronger.

I've felt very tested lately, in many areas of my life. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Mentally. I've been dealing with a lot lately and I've had to choose either to crumble, or learn and grow from the experiences.

It's not that anything huge has happened. In actuality, it's a hundred little things, pulling me...pushing me...crushing me. There is a quote I love, that says: "Sometimes the littlest things in life are the hardest to take.  You can sit on a mountain more comfortably than on a tack." That is the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

However, I'm realizing that at the same time, I'm being given amazing amounts of opportunity to learn and grow. I'm learning how to step back, take a deep breath, not let a situation overwhelm me, ask for help and even ask myself: "What can I learn from this?". I feel like I'm growing tremendously, as I go through this process. Maybe this is what people call "finding yourself"...? I don't know.

It's not easy. Change never is. It's not easy to change yourself or accept change in other people. It's not easy to allow people to see me weak and scared. It's not easy to be without answers. It's not easy seeing people turn away. It's not easy letting people go. It's not easy pushing myself past every boundary I've set for myself before.

But...I'm tellin' myself I'll be okay. Because even on my weakest days...I get a little bit stronger.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Pictures Overload 2.0!!

I love looking through the photos on my camera and remembering funny memories or moments that I had forgotten. Like the day that my sister brought over her snake, Dexter, to meet the kids...

Hey the necklace...

Luke in a choke hold

Bailey wasn't too sure about him, at all...

...meanwhile, I decided to taunt him. I'm a smart one, eh?

A friend of mine brought cookies over for the kids, so after I bribed them to help me clean up, they got their treat. As you can see, they were pretty darn happy about it!  (L to R: Peanut, Luke, Ry, Bay and Avery)

I was working one day, when I heard running and shouts of "MUD!!" coming from outside. Luke, Presley and two neighbor children sure had a good time, before I caught them!
My kids never fail to make me laugh. Oh, they make me scream, too...but goodness, do they make me laugh. <3

Thursday, July 7, 2011

1,000th post? Really???

I'm coming up on my 1,000th post soon.

Wow. Who knew I had so much to say??? Or...that people would keep reading, that long...?

When I was approaching my 300th post, I did a fun thing, where I allowed my readers to ask me any questions they would like, and then I answered them, as my 300th post.

I'd like to do that again! So, here's your chance...what do you want to know? Have a favorite post, that you want to know more about? Always wondered what kind of toothpaste I use? ;) Ask me as many questions as you'd like and I will post my answers as my 1,000th post!

Let's see how creative my readers can be...I love a challenge! :)

Picture Overload!!

My grandparents commented recently that my children are growing up so fast, that it is hard to keep track of who is who, in photos. (They live out of state and sadly, we haven't seen them in a few years.) Don't feel bad, Meme and Pepe, even people that see the kids in person, still mix up the older three girls from time to time. ;)

I finally cleared some pictures off my camera and have a few of my favorites to share!

Mr. Luke on his graduation day, from preschool.

Luke and cute!

Bailey and Presley at Luke's graduation program. It shocks me, when I see pictures, how big Bailey is getting!

Luke striking his "Mr. CEO" pose. :)

Awww...he looks like a little public speaker in this photo!!

Maybe he'll run for president? He looks like he's waving on the campaign float...

Bailey and Ryleigh on one of their last days of school.

Ryleigh's birthday cake. She wanted a butterfly, because her nursery theme was in butterflies, when she was a baby.

My big girl! We still need to have her big birthday party, after her baptism, but we did a small family party, the night of her birthday.

Well, that catches up some of my photos. Stay tuned tomorrow for some more picture fun! :)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Dancing On The Edge

Every day is beginning to be a struggle for me. I can't imagine waiting two more months to begin Avery's therapy.

Want brutal honesty?

I cringe every morning when she wakes up. I never know what mood she is going to be in that day and more often than not lately, it sucks. It really makes for long days and by the end of it, I'm beat. It's wearing on me and I'm having a harder and harder time holding myself together.

When she is in a good mood, it's great! She has the funniest sense of humor and is the sweetest kid. When she is melting down, there is no reasoning with her and I find myself at a loss. I just don't know what to do.

I can't wait for school to start. She needs that constant stimulation and schedule to follow. I just can't offer that at home and still take care of four other kids and work my full time job. If I wasn't strapped to a computer for hours at a time and could devote all my time to having the same schedule day after day, then maybe things would be different. But...they aren't.

Waiting two more months just to be evaluated and tested... and then who knows how much longer before we start getting some coping skills, seems like cruel and unusual punishment. I know that I waited this long to reach out for help and I should be able to deal a little bit longer, but I waited until my breaking point. I'm now dancing precariously on the edge of my sanity levels.