Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hi, My Name Is Leeann...

...and I'm quickly becoming an endorphin junkie.

I'm into week two of my ten week training for the 10K and I'm starting to fall in love with it! It is still really, really hard and I have to push myself to accomplish my goals...but, I'm doing it. I still feel really inadequate, but I'm trying to focus on what I am doing, instead of what I think I should be doing.

I have a feeling the entire ten weeks is going to be like this. Me being 100% positive that I simply cannot push myself any further...and me proving myself wrong. I think I need this, though. I've always given up and let the voices in my head convince me that I can't do it.

Not this time. I'm done quitting. I want to succeed. I want to be proud of myself for accomplishing something that I never thought I could. So, I'm going to keep testing myself...and I'm going to keep passing. I. Will. Not. Give. Up.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Today, I Will Be Tested

Horrible migraine last night.

I haven't had a migraine, or even a really bad headache, in a few weeks. I'm really thankful for that, but it still sucks when they come on. The past few days I'd had very mild headaches, so I knew something was up. I get a "static" feeling behind my eyes when a migraine is going to come on and I was getting that, but nothing manifested from that...until last night. Within an hour, I went from no headache to a bad headache to full-blown migraine, complete with nausea and loss of vision in my right eye. When they come on that quick, I know they are going to be a doozy.

I took two of my fioricets and it helped to lessen the pain, but strangely it didn't remove it completely or give me the euphoric feeling that I typically have. Dang it! ;) I ended up slipping into my drug induced coma sleep and waking up with a thumping headache this morning.

My plan today, has been to kill it with caffeine, water and neck massages. So far, I've been able to get it down to a moderate headache, but with work staring me in the face, I know that it may get worse.

My dilemma? Today isn't my day off from training. In fact, today is the day that I double the distance I've been running. I was already terrified of today and worried about pushing my body to today's distance and now I have to do it with my head pounding.

However, I refuse to give up. I refuse to give in to my body, anymore. I refuse to let these headaches control and dictate what I can and cannot do.

Today, I will be tested. I will not fail.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Luke's Birthday Party

This year, we combined Luke's 5th birthday with Gail's daughter, Rori's 1st birthday, at the local park. The kids had a blast playing on all the toys, the pavilion made it easy and nice to serve everyone dinner and the baseball diamond got a lot of use.

I love hearing the sound of kids giggling and there was no shortage of that, Saturday evening. There was a ton of yummy food and Gail made Rori the cutest butterfly cupcakes. I'm so thankful to everyone that made time to come out and celebrate our wonderful kid's birthdays.

The birthday Mommies. Cutest Mommies I've ever seen... ;)
Rori was VERY upset to have her Barbie taken away!

My big, Little Man, and his dirt cake.

Such a ham!

When he thinks back to his childhood, these are the memories I want him to remember. <3

All the monsters at the party. I love these kiddos!

Five years old? I'm not sure where the time has gone, but I've loved watching Luke grow into such an adorable little boy. If he becomes half the man that his father is, I'll be proud of the job that I've done, as his mother. :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

10K, Here I Come!

One week of my ten week training done and I'm...trying to be hopeful. :) I really, really want to do a 10K in October and with so many weeks to train for it, I have no excuses.

I've done what feels like a billion 5K's, but I've never done a 10K. See...want to know a little secret?

I'm a horrible runner.

I'm not any good at it. I actually kind of hate it...because I'm not naturally good at it. I have to kill myself, for every milestone. But what good is it, to excel at something that you are naturally good at? I want to push myself to overcome and make myself great at something that I had to work for. That's something to be proud of.

Yesterday, I had a crazy, busy day with Luke's birthday party. I had a lot of preparation to do, a lot on my plate, a lot going on in my head...the last thing I wanted to do by 8:30 pm, was go run. My mind felt heavy, my body felt heavy, my feet felt heavy...but, I knew that this was the day that would make or break me.

Going to run on days that I am motivated to go, is easy. Going to run on a day when all I wanted to do was lay on the couch, with a bowl of popcorn, is not easy. However, if I go, it proves to myself that I can overcome all the voices in my head that tell me that I can't do it.

So...I ran...

...and shaved 10 seconds off my mile from the previous night. I had already shaved 7 seconds off the night before, so that was a 17 second improvement in two days.

*pats self on back*

I entered the track with a heavy mind, heavy body and heavy feet...but, when I left, my heart was light.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Two Years Without Mom

I love my children, more than life itself. I hate to see them cry and I hate to know that they are hurting. It's hard, two years later, when they still have times that they cry for their Grandma.

It will be at random times, that catch me completely off guard. Every time I think that healing has begun, a moment like this happens and it's like having the wound reopened; fresh and raw. "Time heals all wounds", is a HUGE. LIE.

As the children get older, instead of healing, personally, I am feeling her void, more and more. Instead of calling to tell her that a baby took their first steps, I want to call and tell her Luke learned to ride a 2-wheeler in 30 seconds. Instead of calling to tell her that a baby likes their first bite of baby food, I want to call and tell her about a boy that likes my daughter. Instead of calling to tell her how a toddler learned their colors, I want to call and tell her that Avery is reading everything now. She was here for so many of their "baby" things, but she is missing out on so much of their amazing childhood.


Enough tears.

Mom...I love you. I miss your smile and your laugh. Oh, how I miss your laugh. I miss your silly stories, that you usually forgot the ending to, by the time you got there. I miss your hugs, every time we would part. I miss how very important my children were to you and how you always let them know it. Please, please watch over them. I need you to keep them safe. Please watch over Josh and I. We are raising these amazing children and working hard to reach our goals. We want you to be proud of who we are. I can't wait to see your beautiful face again and feel your arms around me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Happy Birthday, Jared

Today, Josh's little brother should be turning 29.

He should be married, to a beautiful girl, with a few wonderful children running around his legs, calling him Daddy. He should be fishing and golfing with his brothers. He should be complaining about working too hard and not having enough money. He should be teasing his sister and pulling his nieces and nephews on to his lap, to tickle them.

Instead, he left us, too soon. Too young...and too soon.

We love you and miss you, Jared. It's unbelievable to us, that you have been gone almost six years. The family has been through so many changes, since you left. Some people have been taken away and some people have been added...but the hole of your absence has never been filled.

Give Mom a hug for us and hold my Carter tight. We know we'll see you again, someday. <3

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Happy 5th Birthday, LUKEY!


Happy 5th Birthday, my handsome little man. Five years ago, you came into this world and made me a Mommy to a baby boy, for the very first time. You melted my heart with your big brown eyes then...and you've done it every day, since.

I love you, my son. You have such a funny personality. You love to make people laugh. So many of your mannerisms remind your Dad and I of your Uncle Jared. You are a rowdy boy, through and through and make a million messes a day. BUT...when you turn on your charm and wrap your arms around my legs, to give me a hug, you melt my heart.

You're finishing up preschool next week and I just can't believe that you are already heading off to kindergarten. Just yesterday, I brought you home and laid you in your frog-themed nursery. I don't know how it's possible that you are riding without training wheels, writing your name and about to go to elementary school.

Never lose your spirit or your inquisitive mind, my baby boy. I so love that about you. Being your Mommy is one of my greatest joys and I'm so lucky that you chose me. Happy 5th Birthday, Luke James. Your Daddy and I love you, very much.

Love, Mom <3

Thursday, May 12, 2011

One Week

In one week, it will have been two years since Mom passed away.

One week.

Two years ago, today, we didn't even have a clue that it was this close. Sure, she was tired. Sure, she didn't feel good. But, we didn't get any of the warning signs, like we did with Jared. She didn't slip into a semi-conscious state until a few hours before. Hospice didn't give us a "she only has a couple days" warning. She was still going out. She was still eating. She was still laughing and talking and mentally aware.

Which is why it felt like a damn rug was pulled out from under us, that morning that she woke up, not right. Which is why it felt like no matter how much we'd seen her go through and seen her decline over the last couple years, we still were shocked. Which is why we all felt completely unprepared and caught off guard.

One week.

What will my life be like, one week from today? How much will change? Will it be so very little, that I don't even notice? Or could my whole world turn upside down, forever changing me?

I'm taking this moment to be grateful, for everyone in my life and everything I have. Heaven knows, it all can change in an instant.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

So...This Is How The Other Half Lives...

I've officially been out of school for four days...

...and I'm BORED.

I am sitting here tonight with a clean house, mowed lawn, all my work done, dinner dishes done and...twiddling my thumbs. I have no homework to do. I have no reading to do. I have no tests to study for.

I've already painted my toenails, straightened my hair, made white chocolate covered popcorn and taken a bubble bath...and it's only 9:00 pm.

I could probably watch T.V., but the thought doesn't really appeal to me. Josh is already dozing on the couch, so a rowdy game of Skip-bo doesn't seem to be an option. All the kids are in bed, so they can't entertain me. What in the world do "normal" people do with...what's it called?

Free time?

I think I need to stock up on some paint, tape and brushes. Looks like this momma may be doing some redecorating in the weeks to come...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Susan G. Komen 2011

It was a beautiful day for a race. A beautiful day for thousands and thousands of people to come together for one cause...supporting those who have been affected by breast cancer.

I had a surprisingly hard time with the 5K this year. Not the actual physical part, that was easy...but emotionally, I was a wreck. I looked at the sea of survivor shirts and I was so happy for their families, but then shocked at the resentment that I felt, because Mom wasn't there. The most important survivor shirt was missing and it broke my heart. Standing at the starting line, waiting for the race to start and seeing so many woman with bald heads and scarves, the tears started. Thank goodness for the huge sunglasses, or I might have looked silly! ;)

I finished the 5K alone, having lost all my people in the crowd and as I finished, I cried, with my hand over my heart and a whisper of "I love you, Mom". I know she was there...but, not in the way I wanted her to be.

Team Celebrating Mom 2011
Me and my friend, Bek

Ace, Me and Michele, friends from school

My back. I love weaving through the crowd and knowing people are seeing Mom's beautiful face.

Brittney, Me and Cody - We all miss our Mom, very much. <3
Thank you so much to everyone who supported our team. Whether you were with me today, donated money to our fundraising goal or simply let me know that you were thinking of me, it really meant a lot. <3

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

"You Should Get A Real Job"

I'll never forget the day that one of my kids told me that I should get a real job. "You should get a real job", they said. "But, I have a real job!", I proclaimed, a bit shocked. "No, like one at Walmart.", was their response.


Apparently when I spend all those hours on the computer, they assume that I'm playing games, like they do. They don't understand that I'm clocked in 4-10 hours a day, depending on the day, working my real job.

Sometimes I feel like a lot of people forget that I work a real job. Yes, it's flexible. Yes, I can make my own hours. However, sometimes that bites me in the butt, because I end up procrastinating it until the late hours of the night, or the wee hours of the morning. But, when it comes down to it, it is still a responsibility that I have, just like every other person that leaves their home and drives to their office.

Except, I don't get to leave...and I have to play Mommy and housewife, at the same time. Because my "office" is usually my living room couch, people forget that I work a full time job and treat me like I'm "just" a stay at home mom. You know, one of those lucky women who get to just loaf around and watch soap operas all day... ;) I think it gets forgotten that while I'm working my full-time job, I'm also simultaneously working my full-time mommy job and juggling my part-time student responsibilities, too. I never get to focus on one obligation at a time and the concept of "leaving work, at work" is completely foreign to me.

I'm not complaining...truly, I'm not. I chose this life and there are many, many, MANY good things to say about working from home. I only wish that people wouldn't ignore the balls that I'm juggling...making it harder for me keep up.