Tuesday, March 29, 2011

An End In Sight. Well...One Of Many.

It's finally happening!!

I got the letter about graduation, in the mail the other day! On April 15, 2011, I will get to wear the black cap and gown that I have coveted for so long and accept my first college diploma!

For years, I have dreamed of the day that I would pose for a picture, with my children, wearing that cap and gown. That is what kept me going through semesters when I wanted to give it all up and quit. The image of me, with my children and proof of my hard work.

To say that I am excited, doesn't begin to describe the emotions that I'm feeling. I can't believe that this day is finally here. I've taken more tests than I can remember. I've written some papers I'm proud of. I've studied more hours than I can count. I've experienced horrible professors and learning with cadavers. I've made some great friends and I've realized how strong I am. It's been a trying...and amazing few years.

Now? Now I keep working toward a Bachelor's degree while I wait to be accepted into a nursing program. That is where the true test begins. Can I do it? Am I really  that strong? Or did I just become really good at faking it? Staring into the future and what is to come, is overwhelming. How am I going to do it? How will I juggle a family and work and school and clinicals?

Everyone says I can...but, can I?

I don't want April 15th to be the end of my journey. I've worked too hard, to give up now. In a couple weeks, I'll have the picture that I've always wanted. Next goal? To hear my children say, "That's my Mom! She's a nurse!" :)

Monday, March 28, 2011

Fioricet :\

Migraines, migraines, go away.
Don't come back, another day.

I hate taking my fioricet. It makes me feel slow. It makes me (extra) emotional. It makes me sleepy. It makes me useless. But, sometimes, it's necessary.

I'm glad that I'm meeting with my neurologist again tomorrow. I'm hoping that he has some kind of miracle idea, because I'm getting really tired of the daily headaches and frequent migraines, again. It's making it very hard to deal with life, the way that I want to deal with it.

I hate being a burden to everyone. I am the Mommy. I am supposed to do everything, for everyone else. I hate asking for help. It frustrates me, not being able to be, who I want to be.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Over It

I'm over Josh's crazy shifts.

I'm over kissing him good-bye, before dinner. I'm over sleeping alone. I'm over him sleeping during the day...so even when he's here...he's not really here. I'm over having a crazy schedule that gets screwed up constantly, because he's rotating shifts all the time. I'm over him being gone every other weekend, so family time is completely compromised.

Over it.

For almost 13 years, we have been dealing with this crap. He has never worked a normal shift and I think I'm long overdue to have some normalcy in my life.

He's up for a Monday through Friday, 9 am to 5 pm job, right now. It's still with the same company, it's just different job responsibilities. Heaven help me, if he doesn't get it. His bosses may have one pissed off employee's wife, to deal with.

I just want to know that he'll be home at night to have dinner! I want to know that he'll be here, so I can go to school and not worry about a babysitter. I want to know that on the weekends, we can plan to do things with the munchkins, without figuring out if he's even going to be around. I want to stop feeling like a single mother, most of the time.

Is it too much to ask? I just want to spend time with my husband. I do kinda like the man, after all.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Where Does The Time Go?

Peanut is almost two and a half years old. Where does the time go? 

Just yesterday, she would snuggle into me, breathe a sigh of relief and fall asleep. Today, she's running down the driveway, after her sisters, yelling, "Bye Mom! I'm going to play!"


Just yesterday, she was content to sit in a swing and observe the world around her, at a slow pace. Today, she scales the rock wall and slides down the biggest, scariest slides, as I try not to cringe.


Just yesterday, she was afraid of the water and would cry if you put her near it. Today, she loves her bubble baths...takes 2 or 3 a day, if I let her...and practices swimming in the garden tub.


Just yesterday, I would dress her in the cutest, matching outfits. Today, she is an independent toddler, who wants to dress herself. Usually that outfit consists of a patterned shirt, leggings that end up on her inside out and backwards...and a pair of shorts over it, that in no way match the shirt. However, she also manages socks and shoes (most of the time, on the right feet!)


Just yesterday, Presley was my little Peanut. 

No matter how big she gets, how much she talk,  how fast she runs or how independent she gets...she'll always be my little Peanut. <3

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Morning Memories

I love Saturday mornings in my house.

It usually consists of a huge, late breakfast. Pancakes or french toast. Sausage or bacon. Fruit. Eggs. Toast. Sometimes hash browns, if I'm really feeling motivated. Chocolate milk.

But, that's not why I like Saturday mornings so much.

It's because that is one morning out of the week, where we slow down and relax. Everyone crowds my kitchen and has some hand in helping prepare the food. Then, the entire family sits around the table and we enjoy each other's company.

When the children have grown and moved out, this is one of the many things I will remember and miss. The smell of syrup in the air. The insane piles of food. The children's giggles. The stories. The "fights" over whether turkey bacon actually tastes like real bacon. The jokes and the teasing.

The smiling faces of everyone I love, seated around the table. I love them all, so very much.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Kidney, Anyone?

I'm a huge advocate for organ donation, due to an AMAZINGLY WONDERFUL friend in my life, who has benefited personally from it. (Not a registered organ donor yet? Go here and fix that. Come back and finish reading this, after you're done. Don't worry...I'll wait.)

You done?

Okay...where was I?

Oh...I'm a huge advocate for organ donation...however, if my kids keep getting sick, I'm going to have to start selling them, (My organs. Not the kids. Although...) in order to afford their medication.

Kidney For Sale!! Any takers??

*sigh*

Want to see what $226 looks like?


I can't blame them entirely. I also have strep and bronchitis, so some of that is mine. However, my meds didn't cost near what theirs did! Bay, Avery and Luke have strep. Peanut has an ear infection. Ryleigh has strep and an ear infection. Oy vey.

Needless to say...it's been a fun few days around here. *cough cough cough*

Friday, March 18, 2011

I've Figured It Out!!

What is it, about a door shutting, that makes all the children of my genetic lineage, come RUNNING?

Do they think that if I'm alone for even 5 minutes, I will suddenly develop parental amnesia and forget that they exist? Not possible.

You know why?

BECAUSE I'M NEVER ALONE FOR 5 MINUTES!!

The second my bedroom door shuts so that I can, I dunno...get dressed...or the bathroom door shuts so I can...perhaps...brush my teeth...it's like a stampede.

*BANG! BANG! BANG!*

"MOM!? MOM?! ARE YOU IN THERE? WHEN ARE YOU COMING OUT???"

THIS is why Moms of America wear pajama pants to Wal-mart, people. It's not because they've let themselves go. Oh, no! It's because they are never allowed 5 minutes to groom themselves, without fingers reaching under the door, like some sadistic sci-fi movie!

They've given  up trying to ready themselves, because the entire time they are just yelling, "CAREFUL! The flat iron is HOT!" or "PLEASE! Don't use my toothbrush on the cat!" or "REALLY?!?! My mascara??? IN. THE. TOILET?? AGAIN???!"

*sigh*

So, stop judging.

Although, I will say...the ones that are wearing their slippers, too...have at them. I have no excuse for them.

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I'm Stressing Myself Sick

I've got to let go of things I can't control.

Because trying to deal with things I cannot control...is stressing me sick. Migraines are back, to be more specific.

I have to know that I've done what I can, in certain situations and release myself from responsibility. I cannot take on the world's problems and expect to solve them all. I just can't. All I can do, is lay down my head at night...and know that I've done my best.

I can't make people care...that don't. I can't make people worry...that should.

I can only know that I've done what I can do.

And sometimes...that just has to be good enough.

I have to learn to let go... and let God.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A Real Man

Real men don't hurt children. They don't punch them. Kick them. Throw them down on the ground. Shake them. Call them names...including retard or stupid. Touch them inappropriately. Put them down. Make them cry. Make them feel like...nothing.

Real men support their wives goals and dreams. They help her pursue her happiness and comfort her when times get tough. They never berate her. They never harm her. They treat her with respect.

Real men work hard and are responsible. They support their families and always put their children's needs, before their own wants.

Real men love their kids. They read one more bedtime story, even though they are exhausted. The give one more horsey ride, even though their back hurts. They kiss owies and apply band-aids...even when they are usually imaginary. They carry sleeping kids to bed and tuck them in, even when they know the child is faking. They encourage them to try and never doubt that they will succeed.

Josh, the world needs more MEN, like you.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Stand Up And Be Their Voice!!

It is the responsibility of every adult in this world, to protect the children in their lives. This could be their own children, their nieces, their nephews, their grandchildren, their cousins, their friend's children, the little neighbor kid down the street...it doesn't matter.

When I hear of a child not being protected... I. ABSOLUTELY. LOSE. IT.

Abuse, in any form, is a lifelong scar. The wound may heal. Time may fade it. But still, it will remain. Memories can and will be, easily triggered, decades after the abuse has ended. When an abuser hurts a child, they are not just hurting the child...they are hurting the self-esteem, self worth and confidence of the adult, that the child will one day become. The abuser is condemning that child to a lifelong sentence of mental torment.

When it comes to the innocence of a child, I don't give a damn who I piss off. I am not here to be your confidant. I am not here to be your therapist. I am not here to be your friend. If you do not want to protect the children in your life... SHAME ON YOU. I, however, will not allow a child to remain voiceless because of your own selfish attitude.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Grumpy Butt

“I wish I were a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
Cause, how can you be grumpy,
when the sun shines out your bum?”

I am in need of a major attitude adjustment today.

Or chocolate and a bubble bath.

School is slowly killing me. I know that I hit this point in every semester where I am just done with it. I don't want to play anymore...I just want to be finished. I've. Hit. That. Point.

Sigh.

Otherwise...life is pretty darn fantastic. I really shouldn't complain at all. The kids are all healthy. Work is going well. Josh and I are doing great. Summer is coming! :)

I need to suck it up and chant my mantra of, "This will all be worth it, someday. This will all be worth it, someday..."

But...why does "someday"...have to be so darn far away??

Thursday, March 10, 2011

My Daughters' Daddy

When Josh was younger and envisioned becoming a father, I'm sure he imagined all the things he would do with his sons. Camping trips. Hunting trips. Sports. Playing catch. Tinkering around in the garage.

While we still do a lot of those things as a family and he still introduces a lot of his "boy stuff" to the girls...I'm sure he didn't picture his life out numbered by little girls. As soon as Luke is old enough to handle long hunting trips, I'm sure that he and Josh will be disappearing into the woods, to escape the estrogen imbalance in our house.

What I love, is catching glimpses of the Dad that he is, despite not having the house full of boys that we assumed we'd end up with. I married a man that will let his daughters paint his fingernails, do his hair and put lip gloss on him. I married a man that still hasn't mastered the art of a pony tail, but he's figured out complicated Barbie clothes. I married a man who will sit on the floor and play at their level, even if it's not an activity that he would choose to be doing.

I love that I married a man that is so involved in his children's lives. I love that he puts them first, above all other things. It's important to him, that they know how much they are loved and how proud he is, of them.

I love that I married a man, who sometimes, under his work boots and socks...is sporting a big toe covered in purple fingernail polish. :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm Not THAT Old! (Yet)

Dear Children of Mine,

I'm not sure how senile you think I'm becoming, at my ripe old age of 29, but I promise...I'm running at full mental capacity.

You can stop leaving the trail of fruit loops from the living room, to the kitchen. I can find my way, from room to room, without the help. This constant game of Hansel and Gretel is getting old. I'm not sure how much longer the vacuum...or our dog...or the bottom of my bare feet...can handle it.

"Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!" Sweethearts...my hearing is not failing me. If I don't respond to you, it's probably because... I'm ignoring you on purpose. Perhaps, it's because I'm currently engaged in a conversation with the Kirby man (who ALSO doesn't know how to listen...but that was another post). Perhaps, it's because I've already told you 2,453,076 times today that you cannot ride in my laundry baskets, down the stairs. Perhaps, it's because I do not want to settle yet another argument over who ate the last orange.

I do not constantly need my memory checked. MY memory is fine. When I put something away (and you little people actually leave it alone!), I know where it is. I do not want to participate in your constant games of, "Where's my coat?", "Where are my shoes?" or "Where did my backpack go?". Darlings...I give you a place, even labeled with your name, to put these things. If you do not put them away and then cannot remember where you put them...this is not my issue. I don't use your items and as such...I don't know where they are.

In addition, I'm pretty sure that I'm not exhibiting any signs of dementia. Repeating things over and over to me, accomplishes nothing more than irritating me. "Mom, I need an empty water bottle for school on Friday." ...  "Yes, I know."... "But, Mom...I need a bottle by Friday." ... "I'm aware of that. You'll have it." ... "Oh. Because I need a water bottle for school on Friday." ... "I GET IT!! IT IS MONDAY! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR BOTTLE BY FRIDAY!!!" ... "Oh. Well, okay. Because Mrs. Whoever said I have to have it on Friday." ... *sigh*

I love you, my sweet, sweet, dear children. I hope you remember all this torment that you're putting me through, when I decide to retaliate...by pretending to be this senile... when your prom date shows up. ;)

Love, Mommy

Monday, March 7, 2011

Family Fun Day

School. Work. Responsibilities. Blech.

On Sunday, we decided to leave it all behind and spend some time, outside of the house, with the kids. We needed some time away from the pressures of school and house work, where we could just focus on our family and having a good time. Please ignore the quality of these pictures. I forgot the camera and only had my phone. :(

The kids had such a fun time bowling! Peanut loved carrying her bowling ball over to the ramp and pushing it down. She managed to only drop it 4 or 5 times, causing us to chase after it. ;) After having a ball roll soooo slowly down (and then start coming back!) the lane, Josh showed Luke how to "diaper shot" the ball, so that it gave it more OOMPH!
Aren't we so cute? ;)
Peanut was having a blast playing with all the bowling bowls. She kept banging on them all, like they were drums. Strange little girl. :)
Ryleigh Roo
Silly Peanut wouldn't stand still.
Bay is getting so big!
Lukey is my handsome little devil.
Avers is such a sweet girl. When she wants to be. ;)

After bowling, we took them out to dinner and they all behaved really well! It's wonderful to see how they are growing and changing. It shows Josh and I, how much our world is opening up again and how it's becoming less scary to take them all out in public, together. ;) I love spending time with them, talking to them and hearing their ideas.

These kids may make me crazy from day to day...but they really are the most amazing little people, on the planet. I couldn't imagine my life any other way.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Good Morning, Bloggy World!

Wow. It is a B-E-A-UTIFUL morning!!

It's amazing how wonderful a person feels after a SIX day migraine finally lets go!!

I haven't had such a persistent migraine, in many months. My Topamax has been doing a pretty good job of keeping them away, for the most part. Then...last Saturday came and with it...a migraine. No matter what I took or tried, I couldn't get rid of it! It's been a hellish week, to say the least.

On top of it, when Josh went to refill my Midrin prescription (when paired with Aleve, Midrin actually gives me about an hour of no pain, with minimal side effects), they informed him that the manufacturer is no longer making this drug and I'm SOL. Fantastic. I wanted to cry. How dare they take away the one medication that gave me even the smallest relief?

So, my neurologist has put me on Fioricet, which is an acetaminophen, butalbital and caffeine combo pill. Whoa. Yeah, it came with the warning that I'm not allowed to take it more than once a week, it's highly addictive and it will cause rebound headaches.

Uhhh...you're giving me a pill to fix my head pain...that will cause head pain. Yup. Makes total sense to me... *dazed and confused look*

However, I took it yesterday...and it worked!! It made me incredibly loopy. There is no way that I could ever take it without Josh being home. It also made me vomit and very nauseated. The rebound headache was controlled a few hours later with an Ultracet, which also made me nauseated. Thankfully, due to years of dealing with morning sickness, I remembered that sucking on peppermint candy helps, and I was able to deal with it.

This morning I woke up with just a headache, I assumed due to the fact that I've barely eaten anything in the last week. After a breakfast of scrambled egg whites (that I didn't vomit back up!!), I'm feeling relatively normal. It's an amazing feeling, after a week of feeling like an army of small people were trying to dig their way out of my brain, through my eyeballs.

So...Happy Friday!! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!! I know I will! :)