Imagine training for a marathon...
Putting in years of training and work (I know it doesn't take years to train for a marathon...but pretend you are a slow achiever...) ;) only to get closer and closer to the day of the marathon and become overwhelmed with anxiety. Can you really do it? (Well, yes, you've put in the work and done what you should.) Should you really do it? (Why wouldn't you? It' something you've always wanted!) Will you really do it? (Well...will you?)
That's how I've felt lately, as the date for the nursing school applications draws closer. I still have my CNA to complete and that will take a bit of time. As the due date draws closer and closer, I'm finding that I'm running out of precious time.
I'm having a lot of self doubt and worries, that is making me hold back. Even though I have put in the work these past few years and taken all my pre-requisites, with pretty decent grades, I still have so much doubt that I will get in. I have so much doubt that I can handle the workload along with my other responsibilities.
The school I'm applying to only accepts 20 students for their program. 20. What makes me so special?
If I even do get in, how am I going to deal with cutting my hours (and my income) by half, for a couple years?
How will I handle a busy school load and five kids in school? (Which sounds like extra time...and is...but it also means more homework for them, more school projects, more school programs, more volunteer time, ect.)
What will we do with the kids, if my nursing school responsibilities overlaps Josh's work schedule?
How. Is. This. All. Going. To. Work. Out???
I finally came to peace with it yesterday. I am taking my CNA class the first week of January. That will give me two months to complete the class, complete the clinicals, complete the testing, take the state testing and hand in my application. Not a lot of time...(and it will have to be done concurrently with working full time and my other classes for my Bachelors)...but I'm working with what I have.
I'm letting it all go. It's not in my hands anymore. I can't control who a panel of people at the University deem worthy enough to accept. But, I can't let the stress and worry consume me anymore. If I don't apply, then the decision is made. If I do, then the decision is taken from me. If I get in...or if I don't...it's out of my hands. I can't let the fear of striking out, keep me from playing the game. I can't let the worries of how we will handle it all logistically, keep me from pushing forward. It will all work out. It always has.
Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be.