Saturday, December 17, 2011

It's My Only Choice

Monday morning is the day we have been waiting for, for three months. We are finally meeting with a child psychologist for Avery.

Monday can't come fast enough.

While she is having more better days than not, the days that are  bad...are bad. She is unable to control her emotions, especially when she is upset or frustrated. They will overtake her for hours...(four, straight hours today)...and she lashes out. She will hurt anyone or anything in her path and doesn't care. She becomes so wrapped up and focused on one thing, that she becomes stuck on a merry-go-round that won't stop.

For instance, today, Luke (who is younger) and Avery were fighting over computer time. Finally, I told them that the computer was going up for the night and no one was playing it, since they couldn't get along. After the usually whining that one would expect from a child who was reprimanded, Luke walked away and let it go. His response lasted a mere five minutes. However, Avery became so fixated on what she wanted and became so frustrated, that four hours of hell ensued for me. She kicked the walls. She screamed. She threw things. She slammed her door. She chanted, "Can I play the computer?" for about 75 straight minutes, of that four hours.

I don't know many adults who wouldn't have completely lost it, in this situation...and I'm not one of those adults, either. I ended up in a ball, frustrated, crying...feeling very alone and like a complete failure.

WHY can't I get through to my child? This is not a normal temper tantrum. No child (at least none I've ever come in contact with) would grasp on to an idea for over four hours and not let it go. WHY don't I have the ability to calm her down and make her understand, like I'm able to do with any of my other children?

I know what we've already been told. I know she has some frontal lobe immaturity. I know she has sensory issues. I know she has a mood disorder. I know all this. What I don't know is how to help her. How to cope. How to keep my other children from being afraid of her. How to be strong enough to not break down, like I did today. I don't know any of this.

I'm praying that someone can help us.

Because I can only be strong, for so long.


s.e.ledoux said...

You are such a wonder woman. I would not have lasted an hour, let alone four.. but then again you do have a lot more experience with patience than I.

I have no other words except I am eagerly awaiting what the psychologist has to say, and encouragement that they will provide tools to help her, and you, and help you direct your children in supporting Avery as she grows past this.

So much love to you. Answers are coming. They might take a while, but you will have peace soon. Your girl is so lucky to have you. <3

Luke and Tina said...

We will be praying for you. Hope it all goes well on monday. Good Luck

Yes Ma'am! said...

I ran across your blog a short while ago and started following it because it rang similar to many of the things in my life. I always feel more confident in my choices when I find someone I can relate to. I have 5 children, the oldest of which (9) has Asperger's. I am a chef and my husband is a full time pre-med student, so we are a pretty busy family. I know those days of tantrums and prolonged emotions. I know the days of curling in a ball on the couch and feeling helpless. Just know that (as far as I can see from reading your blog) that your children know you love them. That is the most important thing you can do as a parent. Also know that it is okay for you to feel. Feel upset, lose your cool sometimes, be sad, or frusterated. It is okay because we may be mothers, but we are human beings as well. Continue doing what you are doing. The bad days may be bad, but there are always so many good days, too.