Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm Struggling

“Don't say you don't have enough time.
You have exactly the same number of hours
per day that were given to
Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa,
Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”

Well...good for them.

But, as for me, I'm struggling.

I'm struggling to juggle a 10 year old who has two hours of math homework, science homework and reading each night. I'm struggling to juggle an 8 year old who is becoming a tween and is no longer helpful all the time, thus creating more work for me as I push her to complete tasks and diffuse fights between her and her siblings. I'm struggling to deal with a 6 year old who would be a challenge as an only child; who with her sensory issues can make even just getting ready for school, complete and utter hell. I'm struggling to juggle a 5 year old who loves to make inventions, leaving a wake of destruction in his path. I'm struggling to chase around a 2 year old who changes her clothes 17,392 times a day.

I'm struggling to keep up on the laundry, the general cleaning, the yard work, the daily meals, the dishes, the car maintenance, keeping things organized...and I feel like I'm constantly running in circles.

I'm struggling to keep up on work, because I feel like every time I try to begin, I'm pulled in another direction. Someone needs a band-aid. Someone needs to be brought to school. Someone breaks something. The doorbell rings. Someone needs to be picked up from school. The washing machine beckons. Someone breaks something. I need to referee a fight. Or I just plain fall asleep sitting straight up in my chair...

I'm struggling to keep up on school work. I'm burnt out. Three years in and knowing I have at a minimum two and a half more years to go...is sobering. I'm exhausted. I want to be done. I know the path to success isn't smooth and easy, but I can't imagine pushing myself even further. I don't feel like I'm learning anything in these classes this semester. I'm just doing the assignments and regurgitating information just to get a grade. "Here's my money....here's your grade..."

I'm struggling to find time to do I used to love. Working out has become a luxury that I rarely have time for...but I so desperately need. Reading a book that has nothing to do with school is something I haven't done in quite a while. Photography is a passion of mine, that I've barely had time for, lately. Even just a day of movies, popcorn and root beer floats is a only a dream...I don't have the time.

I don't know what I need to change, but something has to give. I'm running on five hours of broken sleep a night and I'm quickly turning into a tired, miserable person. I don't want that for the mother of my kids. I don't want that for me. I hate feeling like I'm failing at everything.


Sharon said...

There must be something in the air. You just described exactly how I've been feeling the past few weeks. BLECH. I have a complete meltdown every other night. Super mature, I know. But it is what is it.

BUT it did help me to read your post and know that I'm not the only one struggling right now. Breathe in and breathe out, right? Ha ha ha.

Good luck. This too shall pass. Or so they tell me.

Rachel said...

For whatever small ounce of what it's worth...I love you! You are, and always have been, quite simply...amazing.

Hillary Mondragon said...

Ok, so this kinda makes me a teeensy bit stalker, but my day always improves when I see that you've updated your blog. You are so real, and sooo struggling with what every parent in the world...or at least my house, is. Your kiddos are loved. Your hubby is loved. Sometimes thats got to be enough.