I debate with myself sometimes with how personal I want to get on my blog. While this is my sounding board and my place to document my feelings…there are certain subjects I will never discuss. However, there are other subjects that fall in a gray area. This is when I can spend days, weeks, months or even years deciding whether or not I want to write out my thoughts.
This particular post is something I debated about writing, for a long time. It’s a very personal subject not only for me, but my husband. However, with his blessing, I’ve decided it’s time to write this.
When I joined the Church of Latter-Day Saints and became LDS, it was a very personal decision. I come from a Catholic family and I knew that converting would upset some of my family. Thankfully, they choose to basically ignore my decision and let me live my life the way I see fit. A year after converting, Josh and I were sealed as a Forever Family in the Salt Lake Temple. As part of this process, I took out endowments and made certain commitments and covenants, including the promise to wear garments. I’m not going to get into the details of all of this. This post isn’t meant to educate anyone on the processes of the LDS church, I’m simply making it clear that yes, I knew what I was getting into.
A couple years ago, Josh and I went through a very difficult time. This is one of those subjects that I will never discuss, nor post about. It was our personal hell, but continues to be something that we learn and grow from. During this time, I made the very difficult and personal decision to stop wearing my garments. The only explanation that I will give, which quite honestly isn’t really even necessary in my opinion, is this: during this time, things were brought up and discussed between Josh and I that made me feel as though we were not prepared to go through the Temple when we had and as such, I no longer felt worthy enough to be wearing garments. However, this decision does not make me a less worthy human being, as some seem to view it.
To someone who is not a member of the Church, they would probably question why I would dedicate a post to the type of underclothes I choose to wear. They probably question why in the world it is such a big deal to anyone else. Well…I don’t have a good answer. It is a personal decision to choose to start wearing them and it should be a personal decision if someone chooses to stop wearing them. But, in the Church culture…it’s not.
Recently, it seems that my decision has caused some jibber jabber (yes, even two years later) among the peanut gallery. Typically, when I am around family and Church friends I still tend to dress as though I have garments on, although I will admit that I’ve become more relaxed lately. However, I recently went on a date with my handsome husband and posted this photo of the two of us on facebook.
I bought a new outfit to go out that night and it was very obvious that I was not wearing garments. I thought I was careful about who got to see this photo; however it became apparent the next day, as calls and texts started coming in that people were questioning what I was wearing. It got to the point that I removed the photo from public viewing.
I am almost 30 years old. I thought the days of being questioned about my apparel ended 13 years ago, when I moved out of my parent’s house. In all honesty, even then I was never questioned about my clothing choices, because they have never been excessively immodest, flamboyant, inappropriate, ect. Even if I had chosen an outfit that was “inappropriate”…I’m. A. Grown. Woman.
I don’t feel that my choice in clothing should cause such an upheaval. There are far more pressing matters to worry about in the world. Nor do I feel that my choice to not wear garments should cause gossip, whispering, speculation or questions about my spirituality, morality or judgment. I didn’t make the decision lightly, but regardless, it was personal and didn’t change who I am as a person.
When I see that photo, I don’t see a woman not wearing garments. I see a woman who feels beautiful for perhaps one of the first times, in a long time. I see a woman who has never had a healthy body image, but through hard work, years of frustration, too many tears and an understanding husband, has begun to heal. I see a woman who is becoming comfortable in her own skin. I see a woman who is radiating happiness from inside her soul.
Those who view this photo and choose to focus on anything else need to reevaluate what is truly important in this life. We are counseled to “Love Thy Neighbor”, not “Love Thy Neighbor’s Garment Lines.”