Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I'm Jealous Of My Two Year Old

I'm finally willing to admit what all Moms out there just don't have the guts to say.

"I'm jealous of my two year old."

Yep, ladies and gentlem...naw it's probably just ladies that read heard it here first. I. Am. Jealous. Of. Her. Now, before you start calling the men with the little white jackets to come and take me away...hear me out.

If the girl bats her eyes at anyone, she gets whatever she wants. I have witnessed that girl covered from head to toe in chocolate milk powder, my kitchen violated to hell and back with food condiments and heard her father say, "Oh...oh...where's the camera? Look at her face!!!" Uh...huh. Last time I tried to bat my eyes at the authorities to get my behind out of trouble, I was written an $80 speeding ticket and told to "Try to have a better day...".

The girl can rock any outfit under the sun and it is cute. It doesn't matter if it matches, or not. It doesn't matter if it fits right, or not. I have taken her out in public in footy pajamas, a tutu and moon boots, with marker drawn on her face and still overheard, "Awww...look at that sweet angel." Huh. If I were to wear that same outfit, I'd be the headline act for the People of Walmart website.

At the completely opposite end of the spectrum, is the fact that the girl is comfortable in her nakedness. As soon as we walk in the door, she strips down and flies through the house, not caring who sees what. *sigh* Now, as her mother, I'm hoping she develops some modesty in the next couple years, however right now, she does make me laugh. I haven't been that comfortable in my skin since 1982. It's not fair that she makes cellulite look cute and there is an entire industry aimed at charging me $100 a bottle for lotion, guaranteed to rid me of mine. You know...if I had any.

If she has a bad day (you know, like when her kids make her absolutely insane all day, she locks her keys in the car, forgets her wallet when she goes grocery shopping and breaks her favorite pair of sunglasses...ahem...) she is allowed to vent her frustration by laying on the floor, kicking and screaming. She can scream until she is red in the face and tears are running out of her eyes. She can scream until her voice is hoarse and her lungs burn. She can look like a complete maniac and observers will just shrug their shoulders and accept the explanation, "She really needs a nap". If I did something like that, I would earn myself a 72 hour observation period on the mental health ward...

..with clean sheets, meals brought to me...that I didn't have to cook or clean up, plenty of quiet time to sleep, entertaining people to watch, a therapist to vent to and drugs...

*devious giggle*

...I recant my previous statement. Call those men with the little white jackets... ;)


Whitney said...

I have often thought this. What a life... :)

Lacey Sue said...

I have a similar jealous towards my 10 month old. yep. jealous.

Mary B said...

My oldest daughter sent me here and this is fabulous!

Common Mom said...

I need a Like button :-)