Thursday, May 20, 2010

Now I Know

My goodness, yesterday was a rough day. I cried more yesterday, than I did the day that Mom passed away.

I've had this...guilt...all year. I never really cried for Mom. I had my moments, but I never broke down and lost it, like I thought I would. I didn't cry much the day she passed. I didn't cry, when we brought the kids in to say good-bye. I didn't even break down at her funeral.

There were moments, when I was alone, that it would hit me and I would have some moments of sadness. But...I never really grieved. I knew her death was coming...was that why? I wasn't sure and I just didn't really understand it.

Then, yesterday happened.

I cried all evening and into the night. I looked through old photos with the kids...and I cried. I talked to the kids...and I cried. I cuddled my kids...and I cried.

Now, I know. I know that I never cried for Mom, because it didn't really hit me until now. I knew that she was gone, of course, but it didn't really hit me.

Now, I know all the things that she missed out on.

Ryeligh's 6th birthday when I made Mom's dirt cake. Swimming lessons. Bailey's 8th birthday. Bailey's baptism. The annual camping trip. Bailey's first day of 3rd grade. Ryleigh's first missing tooth. Luke's first day of pre-school. Presley crawling. And walking. And running. My first horseback ride. Presley's first word. Our yearly trip to Brighton. Picking pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. Presley's first holidays. Presley's 1st birthday. Family parties. Christmas morning. Avery's 5th birthday. Trips to Hogle Zoo and the Museum of Ancient Life. The Susan G. Komen. Ryleigh's first grade circus. The pre-school's fireman day. Luke's 4th birthday.

Now, I know all the times that I wanted...no, needed... to call her, but I couldn't.

The day I cried, as I packed away baby clothes, for the last time. The times when things went wrong. Avery scaring us, yet again, with another hospital visit. Josh's surgery. Josh getting laid off. The day I realized that I would never have another baby in this house. Making her Thanksgiving turkeys and having every store be sold out of caramels. The day Luke got stitches three times. The day Luke flooded the house. The day my depression scared me. The day Josh and I resolved to put the past behind us. The many days I wanted to kill my professor. The day Avery got stitches.

Now, I know all the things that I missed out on.

Doing all the summer 5k's together. My birthday lemon meringue pie, that she made me every year. Red Swedish fish, that she got me every Christmas, as a joke. Knowing that no matter what she was doing, or where she was, she would always coming running, if we needed her.

Now...I know.

2 comments:

Lacey Sue said...

It's a deep kind of sorrow. A sorrow of someone you truly love being gone. That kind of sorrow doesn't fade- not with time- not with age. It's a sorrow that kind of ages like a fine wine. It's bitter at first, but over the years it changes, becomes sweeter and more beautiful..more tender and thoughtful. But still sorrow, all the same.

Whitney said...

You're in my prayers. I'm so glad we have the knowledge that we do that we will see her again. It doesn't make it easier but it makes it bearable. She is watching over you, this I know. She didn't miss those things. She was there. She loved you all. I hope that in the after-life I will get the honor to meet her. Love you, Leeann.