Thursday, November 5, 2009

Happy Birthday, My Angel

Dear Little One,

Happy first birthday! Your due date was one year ago, today. There should be cake and ice cream, but instead, there are just tears and a big "what could have been".

In my heart, I know that you were my little boy. My little Carter, that I never got to hold. We never officially gave you a name, but I know that's who you are. I knew from the moment the test finally came up positive, that one more little brother was on the way.

Conceiving Presley so soon after losing you and then her being born so early, gives me an idea of the milestones you would be achieving right now. What I don't know is your personality. Would you laugh at my silly faces? Would you cry and reach up your arms when I walked away from you? What would your voice sound like? I don't know what you look like. Are your eyes be blue or brown? Do you have freckles? All of these unanswered questions are the things I think about, when it's quiet and no one is around.

Lately, I've been a big believer of "everything happens for a reason". Watching a good friend grieve the recent loss of her baby has made me think again, of what your "reason" was. Perhaps you were sent to me, so that I could help other women through this journey. I know that I had a few women that helped me and perhaps now it is my time, to pay it forward. I can tell her that I understand everything she is going through...because I truly do.

She called it being a member of the "Sad Club". I know she isn't ready yet, but one day she will realize that being the Mommy of an angel isn't is the most special thing on earth. I am so brave of a woman, that I can love a child that I have never met. I am so strong of a woman, that I can survive heartbreak and still smile. One day, she will be, too.

I love you, my little Carter. You will forever be a missing part of our family, but you are never missing in my heart. Happy Birthday. I pray that you are singing and laughing in Heaven with all of the other little angels, too perfect for this world.



Just Us said...

i have an angel too :)
i take comfort in the fact that my little one is safe and sound in god's arms.

suebug said...

Maybe our little ones are playing together? Laughing at our silliness down here ;). Thank you for this post, I needed it, more than words can express...I NEEDED this. My little angel so recently left me that I still feel her around, and I know she is being protected and loved in God's arms, just like Carter is. My heart aches for your loss, for the loss of all moms and dads who have gone through heart aches for me. But they will heal, how can they not, we have a little one in heaven watching our actions... ;)

Andrea said...

That was so special, I loved it.

Bonnie said...

Thanks Leeann. I lost one, too. She would have been 5 this last September, and I say she, because we also knew in our hearts she was a girl. I love you!!!

Whitney said...

This was beautiful!!