Monday, July 27, 2009

Change Happens - Ready Or Not

It has been a whirlwind of a weekend. I have so many pictures I want to share, but that person that lives in my house named "It Wasn't Me!" took off with my camera cord and after ripping my house apart (TWICE!), I still can't find it.
Soooo....on to a more serious subject.
I debated even blogging about this, but since this is a blog of my life and the people in it, I figured it was within my "right". Besides...it's going to become common knowledge soon, anyway.
Things have been really hard the last couple months. Having mom gone has really opened a void in my life, as well as my children's. We have a lot of good days, where mentions of Mom are with happiness. The kids remember the good times and fun memories that we shared with her. The bad days are what hurt the most. Bailey and/or Ryleigh will come to me at such random times and be crying. When I ask them what's wrong, they mumble, "I miss Grandma." These are the kinds of times that break my heart. I only have a hug to offer...no words to make it better.
Our lives have recently been turned upside down, when Dad announced that he is getting married in a couple weeks. We just learned that he was beginning to venture out and date, so this came as a HUGE surprise.
If I remove myself from the situation, I am extremely happy for him. They seem very excited and loving toward each other. His fiance is a very nice woman who will probably, one day, fit in quite well, when the shock wears off.
However, I can't remove myself from the situation, entirely. I miss Mom. I miss her in ways that I cannot even describe. Our family hasn't yet figured out how to adapt to life without her...and now we have to adapt to additions to the family. Dad isn't just gaining a new wife, but four new children (six, if you count the in-laws) and two more grandchildren.
I love Dad and I trust that he is doing the right thing for him...I just think that the rest of us haven't caught up to his level of acceptance yet. We don't want to "fill" the empty hole, yet. Everyone says that, "...men can't handle being along long..." or "...he had a long time to prepare for Mom's passing...". I know all this. I get it. However, if he is allowed to feel how he wants to feel...then so are we. We need our time to get over the shock and move toward acceptance.
However long that road to acceptance may be.

8 comments:

suebug said...

I don't have any amazing words of comfort or anything...but I can say...I understand your emotions, and I think you are 100% allowed to feel them!!!!! For crying out loud, your family is barely adjusting to the passing...let alone...the reality of "moving on". Because no one wants those we love to be "moved on" from. I say, allow yourself to feel what you feel. Allow yourself the RIGHT to feel them. If you try to bandage it up, or cover it up, it could damage relationships!
I love you...

Pam said...

I'm never good with the right things to say but I'll give it a shot. I think you are right, he is allowed to feel how he does,but so are you and your family. Absolutely. You emotions are yours and no one can control those or tell you how to feel. He is entitled to his life and you are entitled to yours. Do what you can and take it one step at a time. Change is never easy and you are allowed to need to stop and rest along that path as much as you need to!

Melessa said...

My FIL moved in with someone four months after my precious MIL had died. He didn't allow us our feelings on the matter, you were either with them or against them. Because it took my husband and I longer to adapt, we're still looked at with raised eyebrows by some members of her family. (Certainly not all of them, the ones with kids and I get along great because our kids play together.) I don't even know how to tell you to proceed, but I am grateful they are getting married because my SIL and BIL really had to scramble to explain things to their daughters. (My daughter *only at the time* was a baby, no explanation required). And that eventually you do get used to things and find common ground.

bequi said...

I'm sorry. My grandpa was gone for over 11 years when my grandma remarried and most of us STILL weren't ready. I hope your family can deal with this in a healthy and loving manner.

Whitney said...

Oh my.... I haven't lost anyone like you lost Mom but I want you to know I would feel the exact same way. I feel like I know you almost as well as I know myself, even after the small time we got to know one another and spent together. I feel your frustration, I feel your pain... I FEEL for you. I want you to know that you're not alone and I will be praying for you. This is something that will be hard to adjust to... for everyone. I love you, Leeann... text if you need to.

Shellie said...

I think you put it quite well, and I wish the best for all involved. It brought back memories, my grandad married after my grandma died-not that soon, but very suddenly. He went on a trip and came back engaged. I was so shocked, I know I hurt his feelings because I didn't exclaim some joyous thing when he told me. I thought he must be losing his mind :) Once I found out it was for real, I congratulated him. He was happy, but I know it was always hard for my mom to deal with her.

Andrea said...

Oh, hun...I can only imagine how you are feeling.

Well actually, I can sort of identify, but on a bit of a different level...

When I was 9 months old, my dad passed away. By the time I was a year and a half, my mom was re-married. Now obviously at the time it didn't phase me. But when I got older and really started to understand just how soon after he died that she got re-married...well, I had a lot of anger issues to work through.

Don't get me wrong -- I absolutely LOVE my Dad; in fact, there is nobody in this world I respect more. But it was the PROCESS that I had to work through.

And you will too...just allow yourself the time. You don't have to rush it.

((hugs))

common mom said...

I have no words of wisdom and no experience to relate.

But just thinking about makes me feel for you - and your Dad.

Hugs all around.