Sunday, May 31, 2009
Me: "Yeah, you are."
Ry: "Oh good, I like being white."
Me: "Oh yeah?"
Ry: "Yeah, it's better that I'm white. White is the best color."
Me: (chuckling at her)....then I notice the disgusted look I'm getting from another parent...she walks away as I call out..."She means the color of her soccer jersey!!!"
She is eating her feet, rolling from her belly to her back, talking (we swear she says, "Hi!"), eating vegetables and always smiling.
I can't believe 6 months has passed already. Thank goodness she is still so "newborn-like"...or it would be even harder to watch her grow.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
I can't believe the outpouring of love and support I have gotten over the last couple weeks. I have had cards coming in almost every day from friends on my "Mommy Blog" on Babycenter. I've never met these women and yet...they love me enough to send cards from all over the country.
Gail (who is also my aunt) took my trouble makers for two days straight. She has no idea how much I appreciated that.
Coby watched all four older kids while Josh and I dealt with Mom's viewing. She is so great and I don't think that I will ever be able to repay her for all she's done for me.
McKell and Nanette and sat with my kids all day Saturday while we did funeral stuff. I came home to a clean house, dinner and my laundry folded. The kids had so much fun with them, they wanted me to go away again, just so McKell and Nanette could stay a little longer! I don't know what I would have done without them.
Lacey came to the viewing and supported me through that time. She also texted me every single day, just to check in and see how things were going. Thank you so much for that.
Crystal had only ever met Mom once or twice and still drove down to support me through the funeral. I really appreciate your love, Crys!
Amey and Rachel were friends who's appearance didn't shock me at all. These two have been my "right hand women" since high school. I knew I could count on them to show up with smiles and to lighten the mood. I love you girls!
Jessica came and may have cried more than anyone! :) I love how much she truly loved Mom. She has been a wonderful friend.
Mickey was my fantastic photographer during the grave dedication. She helped me out so much this week, by watching my girls while Josh and I got things done. She fed the entire family that first night and was wonderful in talking with my girls about Grandma being gone. I love you, Mick!
Casey is my "big brother I never wanted". :) I love this man and his new little family (who unfortunately couldn't come...but growing a new baby is a lot of work! Yay Baby Boy Miller!). Casey hopped on a plane at 10:00 AM the morning of the funeral, arrived to be at the funeral and grave dedication and then hopped back on a plane at 3:00 PM to head home. I tell you...nothing meant more to me than that. Thank you, Casey. You are such a wonderful friend.
Friday, May 29, 2009
I can't believe how fast the time seems to be going. Yet, at the same time, it seems like I am moving in slow motion. I can't believe that it's already been almost a week since we buried Mom...but I also can't believe it's only been a week.
The funeral went really well and of course, the chapel was filled to the brim. Everyone's talks went great and I think we all honored Mom, the best that we could. She wouldn't have liked all the crying, but she would have loved the laughter we had, when we talked about her.
It still hasn't hit me like I thought it would. I thought I would cry uncontrollably and not be able to function. For some reason, my mind seems to be protecting me and I continually feel calm about the situation. On one hand, I know that I need to process it and actually begin the grieving process, yet on the other, I am still loving my denial bubble and can't wait for Mom to get home from her trip. :)
Presley ate green beans for the first time this week...I got a glimpse of reality then, that Mom was gone, as I went to call her and tell her all about it. I'm going to miss our conversations about absolutely nothing and how she ended every phone conversation with "thanks"...even if YOU were calling HER for a favor.
I had a dream a couple nights after she died, that my baby had died and when we closed the casket, I saw Mom holding the baby in her arms. She has hugging her and had her safe. It really bothered me, because for several days, I just assumed it was Presley in the dream. After talking it over with Brittney, I realized that I didn't really know for sure...I had just assumed it was her, since it was a baby girl. Now, I like to think that the dream meant that Mom was holding our little Angel Baby and taking care of her, until I can. I know that Mom is loving Heaven, surrounded by our Angel Baby and all of her grandchildren that are yet to be. Every single one of those babies is going to be born with a great big smile...having had time in Grandma's arms.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
When I think of Mom passing, I’m not sad for any of us. Even though our time with her was far too short, we have the knowledge and understanding that we will be with her again one day.
What breaks my heart is how aware I am of the large hole her passing has caused in her grandchildren’s lives. She loved my children, just as much as I did and depending on the day and Avery’s current antics…sometimes she may have loved them more! She had endless time and patience for all of her grandchildren.
Every child deserves to have someone in their life (other than their parents), that they can depend on for anything. Children need that one special person that they can always talk to and ask questions to and know that they will always get an honest answer. They need someone that will reprimand when needed, but who will always follow it up with a hug. They need someone that says, “No, I’m sorry, I agree with your Mom and you’ve had enough candy.”…but then will slip the candy to them, as soon as I turn around.
Mom was incredibly close with all of her grandchildren and without even knowing it, they will forever have an empty void in their lives. One day they will all graduate from high school and they won’t realize that seated next to Grandpa on the bench, should have been a woman crying happy tears. One day they will serve missions, or go off to college, or get married and they won’t realize that I am crying, because Mom should have been there to hold me, as I let my child go. One day they will have their own children and they won’t realize that there is a face missing, pressed up against the nursery glass.
But I will realize these things. I will never let them forget the amazing woman that raised their father and loved me like her own. I wrote a poem for Mom, but mostly as a reminder for her grandchildren.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Pat was born January 26, 1961 in Spanish Fork, UT to LaVelle and Virginia Adams Mellor. She graduated from Orem High School in 1979. She married her eternal companion, L. James Garrard, in the Manti Temple on March 15, 1980.
Pat was a member of the LDS Big Canyon Ward. She held many callings in the Primary, Young Women’s and Relief Society Presidency, but her most favorite calling was in the nursery. She will always be their “Grandma Pat.”
Mom loved being surrounded by her family and friends. She held a special place in her heart for all of her nieces and nephews. She loved walking around Brighton in the fall, snowmobiling in the winter, planting her flowers in the spring and camping at Potter’s Pond in the summer. She loved to cook for her family, quilt with her friends and will always be famous for her homemade salsa.
Mom was the most selfless person we have ever known. We always knew we could count on her for help with anything from babysitting grandkids, cooking meals for neighbors or finding lost items.
We love you, Mom. Your courage and your strength have been such an inspiration to us all. We take such comfort in knowing that Families are Forever and that you are having a beautiful reunion in Heaven.
Pat is survived by her husband; children: Josh (Leeann), Cameron (Brittenay), Brittney, Cody; Grandchildren: Bailey, Ryleigh, Avery, Luke, Presley, Kaylana, Malia, Landon, Carson; brothers: Dennis (Barbara), Steve (Cindy) and sister: June (Merrill) Thomas, Mother and Father in-law: Leslie and Janet Garrard and many brother and sister in-laws.
Preceded in death by her parents and Son: Jared.
The family would like to give a special thanks to the town of Lake Point for all their service, Dr. Xylina Greg, Dr. Anna Beck and hospice services.
A Viewing will be held Friday the 22nd from 6 pm to 8 pm at the LDS chapel - 57 West Porter Way Stansbury Park and a short viewing Saturday 11 am at the Lake Point Chapel, prior to the funeral. Funeral services will be held Saturday the 23rd 12 pm, at the Lake Point Chapel. Interment will be the Lake Point Cemetery.
Did you know that if you type "she's gone", the phone will first predict that you are trying to type "she's good"?
After that, it then predicts, "she's home".
I have one smart phone.
She isn't "gone".
This wasn't "good-bye."
It's "see you later."
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
This morning something has changed neurologically. Brittney called and said that Mom wouldn't talk to her, or look at her. She said that Mom wouldn't, or couldn't, speak to her.
Dad won't leave her side and has been with her all morning.
Please pray for their comfort.
I'll update, as I find out more.
Monday, May 18, 2009
While the older kids were in school, we took the youngest two, to say Happy Birthday. This was Presley's first time at Jared's grave.
Josh likes sharing memories of his brother, with the kids.
Kissing Uncle Jared good-bye
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Baby boy, how are you 3 years old? It seems like just yesterday we found out that you would be joining our family. I was so nervous and scared to have a little boy. The concept of a boy was completely foreign to me and I was worried that we wouldn't bond as well as I did with the girls.
Little did I know...I had nothing to worry about. You've been my "little man" since the second you were born and I couldn't love you more.
I love watching you grow and change...similar to the girls, yet with your own style. You like many "girl" things, because you've just always done them with your sisters...but you also love "boy" things and rough housing with Dad. It's going to be interesting watching you grow in this house full of estrogen and see how you adapt.
I love you, my little man. You make me smile every single day. I love your big brown eyes, seeing your little hands reach up for a hug and the way you say, "Mom, I gotta tell you some-fing!" Happy birthday, buddy.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
~If you get a random day to sleep in...no school, no soccer, no reading group...the kids will always wake up an hour early.
~If you finally got flowers to grow and your yard is looking pretty nice, for once...your son will pick all the flower petals off the tulips. Not to give them to you, either...just to be a booger.
~If you are having an adult conversation in the mini-van...no matter how quiet you are and how loud the radio is...the 7 year old will always hear you.
~If it's midnight and you have a want...no, a need... for some chocolate milk...the kids will have finished it.
~If you've just cleaned out the mini-van...someone will puke in it.
~If you decide to actually get dressed, instead of just rocking the pajama pants you've worn for 3 days...the baby will puke down your back and poop on your lap.
~Likewise...if you've just changed the sheets on your bed...someone will climb into your bed in the middle of the night and pee in it.
~If you haven't showered all day and your hair resembles Medusa...your neighbor will pick that day to visit...and your naked son will answer the door...thus ruining your plan to pretend you aren't home.
~If it's something you love...someone will break it.
~If it's something that shouldn't have been said...one of the kids will repeat it to Grandma.
~If it's something that shouldn't have been seen...one of the kids will give an exact description to their teacher.
~If you tell a "little white lie"...one of the kids will be quick to point out your indiscretion. Loudly.
~If you are feeling pretty good about yourself...one of the kids will be quick to remind you that you still have "a big bum."
~If you just cleaned the floors...someone will track in something. And it will usually stain, too.
~If one of the children has a doctor's check up...they will usually find some way to injure themselves directly before the appointment. There is nothing I love better, than explaining 3 bruises and bump on their head..."Yes, doctor, I know she looks like I beat her...".
~If you ever tell your child, "Stop that, before I beat you!"...they will choose to tell the doctor this, while you're explaining the 3 bruises and the bump on their head...
~If you are exhausted...to the point where you can barely see straight...and all of the children are sleeping...you will still stay up...long enough to blog.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Recently, one of the Mommies, Sarah, entered a contest and WON! She is the new proud owner of a Flip Video Camera!
Needless to say...I was shocked when I read her submission. Sometimes, you have no idea how you have touched someone else's life...even when you feel you don't deserve the kind words. Sarah is a fabulous writer and I am so happy that she won...and so happy that I can call her my friend.
In 250 words or less, tell us about a mom who has inspired you to be a better mom. Who is a mom who has sustained themselves and has contributed to their family and community? Who is a mom that has empowered you to be a better mom?
"I am eternally grateful to babycenter.com for introducing me to over 60 mothers [via the "Confessions" thread on my birth board] who have shaped me throughout my pregnancy and first-time-motherhood.
One of those mothers is named Leeann, and goes by the BBC handle "Leeannimal". The loving mother of 5 young darlings and one angel baby, Leeann is the quintessential picture of motherhood.
From her black bean brownie recipe to her gorgeous calming smile, Leeann possesses everything a child needs to grow up stable, secure, and healthy. She shows me every day that it's possible to raise honest, hard-working and congenial children, foster a loving and mutually respectful marriage, fulfill part-time job duties, cultivate a sharp and witty sense of humor, and shine with faith in God, all while blogging, attending higher education classes in pursuit of a nursing degree, and doling out valuable gems of meaningful advice to fellow mothers.
Though I admittedly was blessed with a relatively "easy" baby, there have been moments where I was exhausted and frustrated and just plain ready to quit. I can't count the number of times I've said to myself "if Leeann can do it with five, I can handle one.."
I love Leeann. I am a thousand times stronger, smarter, better-informed and better-equipped to raise my baby from having "met" her. I wish I could give her back the tiniest bit of love and support she's so selflessly given me!"
Friday, May 8, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Last night I got home from soccer practice and started up my laptop to begin work. I all of a sudden noticed a smell like something was burning. I flipped my laptop over to give it a sniff...and out of the back vent was a steady stream of smoke. It scared the crap out of me! I didn't know if it was going to burst into flames, or what! I quickly unplugged it and shut it off. I waited a few minutes and turned it on again, while it wasn't plugged in. Instantly, the burning smell appeared again.
Anyone that reads my blog consistently knows the hell I've gone through with this Dell laptop. I couldn't believe right after I dropped $180 on a new battery and charge cord...it was doing this to me.
So, I called Dell and after being on hold for 10 minutes...being transferred to someone else...being on hold for 45 minutes while she
"Well, yes I am, however I do not think that a computer almost starting a fire is normal, do you?"
"No ma'am...I just wanted to let you know. Let me "process" this..."
In the end...Dell agreed that this wasn't normal
Until then, my desktop and I are being reacquainted. It'll work for now.
It'll have to.
When will I get my new laptop?
(But it's freeeeeeeee!)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I end each day feeling like a failure.
Did I yell too much? Did I not play with the kids enough? Did I make sure they ate enough vegetables? I should have read them another story. Did they watch too much TV? Do they know how much I love them? I should have hugged them more. Did I challenge them enough?
As if that wasn't enough...I'm not just a Mom. That leads to:
I need to call that friend/family member more. I didn't give work my full attention. I could have studied more. My house could be cleaner. I need to walk the dog. Did I thank that person enough, for all they did for me? I shouldn't have eaten that ice-cream. I should have gone to the gym.
It's hard always feeling like you aren't good enough. Or haven't done enough. Or could be better. Or could do more. Or could give more.
I want to be everything, to everyone.
But that's a lot of pressure.
I just one day where I go to sleep, satisfied with my day.
Knowing that I did, all that I could do.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Due to budget cuts (blah, blah, blah) summer classes were hard to come by. I had a really hard time fitting classes into Josh's work schedule. We don't have anyone to watch the kids when I'm in school and it seemed that every single class overlapped his work somehow. *sigh*
In the end, I am taking Chemistry 1110 on Mondays and Wednesday nights and an online Life Science class. If I keep up my
That doesn't mean I'm done. Not even close - but it's one degree under my belt and hopefully it will give me the encouragement and strength to continue on. My counselor let me know that I could apply for nursing school now and start fall 2010...but with five children still so young, I just know that I couldn't give it 110%. So, probably fall 2012. By then, I should have my bachelors as well.
This had better be worth the stress.
Well, I know it will be.
I just have to talk myself into it...
Every. Single. Day.