Friday, March 27, 2009

I Get Philosophical At Midnight

It's in the dead of the night, that I have time to reflect on my life.

Surrounding me are math books, notes and a calculator. I've got to be one crazy woman to be tackling this, along with raising five beautiful children. However, in my mind, I see the day that I am wearing a cap and gown. Each of my children are hugging me and telling me that they are proud of me. (I just really hope that in the reality of this situation, Presley isn't old enough to drive!)

In the bedrooms of my home, are my children. I hear little snores and sighs. Once in a while I hear Avery yelling...even in her sleep, that child is arguing with someone.

I wonder how I got to this point? How am I the mother of five children? My children are growing up before my very eyes. "Yesterday", I brought Bailey home from the hospital. Today, she is starting to ask questions that I'm not sure I'm ready to answer. "Yesterday", Bailey became a big sister. Today, that little sister's knowledge and aptitude amazes me. "Yesterday", Avery was fighting for her life. Today, she is no longer weak and frail, but a very strong, stubborn and determined little girl. "Yesterday", I discovered I was having my very first son! Today, I already see that baby boy changing into a little man. "Yesterday", I thought I would never again hold a baby of my own, in my arms. Today...right this very minute...she is laying on my lap, sleeping.

At work, is my husband. He is a wonderful father and provider. I'm thankful that he works so hard, so that I can stay home with our children.

Asleep (I hope!), in her own home, is a woman that loves me like a daughter. My relationship with her has changed drastically through the years. I don't doubt that this woman loves my children as much as I do. I also know that I can count on her for anything and everything. But now, she is fighting her own battles and has to learn to count on us. She has to trust us to take care of her, when she's so used to being the nurturer.

Across the country, are my grandparents. I miss them more than I can begin to describe. It hurts me every day that they can't be a daily part of my children's lives. My children would be so lucky to have their influence surrounding them.

I have friends all over this world. Some are old friends, some just feel like old friends. Some are down the street, while some are in a different country. Some I know from face to face contact, but some I know from online. My friends have a variety of pasts, family structures and beliefs, but I love knowing that this only opens me up to new ideas. I love knowing that in this variety, I will always have someone that will understand.

I may not have everything I want...yet...but I'm working on it. All I can do is approach every day and give it my best. There are things I want for my children, but I have to stop and enjoy the little moments now. Those little moments become memories and those memories become a lifetime. There are so many things that I want for myself, but I have to understand that I am a work in progress. It's not enough that I focus on reaching my destination...I have to enjoy the ride.

9 comments:

Stacy said...

Beautiful!

Brittney said...

Very touching, I cried through the whole thing. You are amazing Leeann, I love you. You are someone I truly admire and hope to be like one day, honestly.

the teen that gave up her freedom .... your mom said...

I'm so happy that you have all this in your life, 5 beautiful children, a mother-in-law that loves you like a daughter and grandparents across the world that has a very special place in their heart for you, but what about that teenage mother who gave up her freedom to take care of you instead of abandoning you to have fun like most teens these days do and the man who adopted you and gave you his last name and always called you his daughter and the 2 sisters and 1 brother you have. You never seem to mention them. Sorry if this sound selfish but we all have been there for you until you pretty much pushed us away. We all still love you and your family regardless.

Pam said...

that is a great post- I needed a tissue warning first though :)

Rachel said...

Whoa.

I love you, Leeann!

suebug said...

Leeann...okay...I already spoke to you at the 5K about this...you know how I feel...
Keep on doing what your doing. You are a fantastic mother/wife/person/daughter/friend!

common mom said...

Thank you.

Tinabean said...

These words are just beautiful Thank you!

Candygirlflies said...

This was wonderful... and just what I needed to read, as I wait to hear whether I've been accepted into graduate school next year (the acceptances come out tomorrow. Yikes.)

I share so many of your emotions, Leann-- it's uncanny. But so helpful to know there's another mother going through the same stuff as me.


Love to you, as always, and a BIG hug to your mom.

xoxo CGF