Saturday, January 3, 2009

Just When You Think You Know It All

This is my 5th baby. You'd think that I have everything under control and I'd know how to handle anything that comes my way. I'm finding that this is not the case and I've been thrown a curve ball with this one. Postpartum depression.
Is it due to her premature birth and the stress that came with that? Is it due to the fact that she was my first emergency c-section, when I had planned on another natural birth? Is it due to the fact that she's the 5th child and I'm cracking under pressure? Is it due to the fact that she is my last baby and I'm having a hard time accepting that? Is it due to the fact that I started exhibiting depression symptoms during the pregnancy?
I don't know. All I know is that I haven't been myself since she was born. I go see my doctor for my follow up appointment next week. I'm going to talk to him then and see what we can do about getting me back on track. Obviously the medication I'm on now isn't working.
I want to wake up in the morning and feel like I've slept good. I want to have enough energy to do what needs to get done. I want to get my butt back to the gym and pick up where I left off. I need to start feeling better.
So, if it seems like I've dropped off the planet - not commenting on blogs - not returning phone calls/texts/emails - that's why. But, I'm working on fixing it. One day at a time.


Pam said...

Oh honey! There is no need to explain why you might not be commenting, etc. You have to take care of you first and blogging later. I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. I'm glad you are willing to talk to your doctor though. That is a good first step. I'm thinking of you and praying for you!

lauradee24 said...

Hi, I read your blog a lot, but I have never commented before. I just wanted to say I've been there. I thought I would die, and it was only with one kid, not 5. You have to have a lot of strength to function at all with ppd, and I totally admire you for that! It's hard, but you'll get through it. Hugs to you!

Gail said...

Let me know if there is something I can do. I was having an emotional time after having Gavin. I was extremely depressed. At first I was in denial thinking I was ok, but I wasn't. I told my dr what I was feeling and we came up with a plan that suits me. He told me that medication only does so much(in my situation)this is what we came up with:

-I needed an out~ a time without the boys, when I started to feel overwhelmed, angry, ect.
-I needed to excercise
- I needed to talk to someone, my mom, kevin, someone.
- Force myself to bond with Gavin.(within safe measures)
There are days when I barely function. It is HARD to hold Gavin, feed him, anything that requires me to be around him.

It is hard, but know that you have a supportive community that will help you.

Leeann said...

Thanks to everyone that has commented. Gail, I had no idea you were going through that. Thankfully, I have no problem bonding with Presley at all. I love doing all the Mommy stuff I need to do for her...I just feel like I'm lacking HUGELY in every other department. :(

Sharon said...

Hi Leeann, I went through the same thing after having Katie. (Of course yours is multiplied with four extra kids, so I can't imagine.) Thankfully, i didn't feel any resentment towards the baby either, just felt like the rest of my world was crumbling around me.

It took me weeks to even admit to anyone that I was being bothered so badly by depression and these overwhelming thoughts and feelings. So you have me beat there. All I can say is, take any offers of help that you get. It is not fun, because you want to be back to your old self and feel like you can do it all... but just accepting that it might take a while is the first step!

Good luck. Know that you aren't alone. And know that it won't last forever. Take care of yourself! (A daily dose of 100mg of Zoloft was the cure for me, by the way!)

Beth said...

I too have been there. I had it with both of my kids. With the first one, I just pushed through on my own, without any help from a doctor. It sucked. With the second, I decided that I was NOT going to go through all that again and I got medication. I have been through 2 other depressions as well, not related to having a baby. Both of those came after my girls were born. Every time, it's been Zoloft that has helped me, just like Sharon.

The great thing is that you are admitting it and trying to get help. And although it seems to overtake your entire life, know that it WON'T last forever. It really won't. Let people help you, accept any offers of help, and don't be afraid to take medication. Once you start talking about it, you find that there are SO MANY other people out there that are going through something similar.

It's OK. HUGS to you! :-)

Gail said...

My feelings toward Gavin are getting better with time. My problem started when they took him to the level 2 nursery. I thought I somehow did something to him while I was pregnant. I think I was so scared to bond with him because I was so afraid of losing him. I hope that makes sense. I have to take it one day at a time, sometimes hour by hour.

katie said...

So sorry. I've never experienced PPD so I can't say that I understand, but I hope you get on your feet again soon and start to feel better.

Rachel said...

I love you, Leeann! If you need anything, I am there! Seriously.

common mom said...

You are number one priority - if mama isn't feeling well, nobody can feel well :-(

Take care of yourself! I'm thinkin' about you and praying for you and your fam.

Candygirlflies said...

You and me both, sweetie.

You and me, both.

xoxo CGF

Cassie said...

Will be praying for you...Have been there myself...with my last child...rough times...Be sure to take care of yourself...Much love.

Andrea said...

Lots of hugs your way, sweetie. You know I've been there with Malia. If I can help in any way, I'm just an email away...


bequi said...

The answer is lots and lots of chocolate.

mickey said...

loving you.
missing you.
so sorry your sad, and all those other feelings.

just some advice from my gentle to yourself.

i love you.