Monday, December 22, 2008

Mommy's Emotional

Pres is almost starting to fit into her newborn clothes. Today, I packed away the preemie outfit she came home in. She will never wear it again.

The thought that she is beginning to grow, makes me incredibly sad. I can't believe that she is my last baby. My last "first smile". My last baby smell and soft eyes. My last "first tooth". My last time hearing my baby say "Ma Ma" for the first time. My last experience as a nursing mom. My last tiny little hand tangled in my hair. My last "first giggle". My last first steps.

I will never again feel the sudden rush of excitement at a positive pregnancy test. I will never again hold my breath as I wait for my doctor to find the baby's heartbeat. I will never again strain my eyes to make out my baby's body parts on a black and white screen. I will never again wonder if I just felt my baby's first kick...or if it was just gas. It will always just be gas... :) I will never again use my belly as a shelf, for a bowl of ice-cream. I will never again watch my belly morph into geometric shapes as my little one tumbles inside. I will never again feel the shock of my water breaking. I will never again feel a contraction and be so happy to be in pain. I will never again sit in a hospital bed with all the people I love around me...waiting for one more to join us. I will never again push with all my might to bring my child into the world. I will never again hold a child that is physically connected to me. I will never again watch my husband cut the cord that has binded that child to me for 9 months.

BUT....I will always know that no matter where in the world my children are, no matter what they choose to do or who they choose to become...I will always love them. With every little piece of my heart.

8 comments:

Stacy said...

Beautifully written

bequi said...

Has 5 kids always been the "magic number"? I wanted 5, then we compromised to 4, now I want 5 again, but maybe more. I can't imagine choosing to stop having kids at the moment. I'm sure that will change, especially when Sarah starts talking back.

suebug said...

you are a truly gifted writer, your children are a huge inspiration for you. I love to be able to share in that with ya! You are a beautiful lady..and I miss you.

Coby said...

Based on the milk storage pictures from last week, maybe you could consider becoming a wet nurse and not have to give up just one of those things :) HA HA! Ya know I love ya, give her a kiss for me.

Erin said...

You have me all teary eyed!!
Nicely said.

*~*Sheila*~* said...

I came to your blog today to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Upon reading your blog today I just began to cry. Hubby and I have contemplated having one more since miscarrying last April 2007.
I believe I am going to share your blog with my hubby and pray about what we should do next.
Thank you for sharing this I appreciate it very much your words are terrific and it will help in sharing with hubby.

Thanks again
and Have a Merry Christmas
Sheila

Pam said...

Wow! I can't believe she is a month old already!

In that first pic- I see a lot of your hubby in her face.

Andrea said...

Beautiful post.
Beautiful little girl.
Beautiful mama. :)