13 Academic Degrees
Life Experience Has Given Me
(I should just drop of of college, now!)
1. Bachelor of Arts - I appreciate fine art and appreciate the use of varying techniques. I am proficient in several techniques such as, but not limited to: pencil, watercolor, ink on the counter top, mud on the mini-van, sharpie on the 3 year old and the sometimes controversial...feces on the wall.
2. Bachelor of Applied Visual Imaging - I can hold a straight face, while speaking with the UPS man and pretending not to notice that my 2 and 3 year old children are completely stark naked. Doing headstands. On the front porch.
3. Bachelor of Business Administration - I run a small business, known as a "home." This requires multi-tasking, patience, good communication skills and the ability to unclog a toilet.
4. Bachelor of Chemical Engineering - I know the precise mixture of soap, water, baking soda and vinegar to dispel urine from carpet. I've also discovered the solution for removing red fingernail polish from hardwood, tile and carpet.
5. Bachelor of Civil Law - I am a firm believer that "If Momma Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy" is the only law you need to live by.
6. Bachelor of Communications - Using my years of expertise, I have the ability to diffuse a hostile enviroment, quickly and efficiently. I am talented in the art of persuasion, manipulation and bribery.
7. Bachelor of Education - I have the patience and knowledge to answer questions such as, "Why does your belly look like that?", "Why do you always get ice-cream after we go to bed?" and "Why doesn't your bum fit in the toilet seat hole?".
8. Bachelor of Journalism - I have the ability to be in a stressful, sometimes dangerous situation, and still have the frame of mind to correctly record the event in my head, to be used a future blog post.
9. Bachelor of Landscape Architecture - I can correctly name the color of each flower when I see it in bloom. I am even proficient enough to point out tulips, roses and sunflowers. I am able to design a completed yard and correctly direct my husband to do all the labor, to achieve that look.
10. Bachelor of Music - Due to hearing the fine musical compositions from "Yo Gabba Gabba", "High School Musical 1 & 2" and "Hannah Montana" over and over and over from the backseats of the mini-van, I know each and every word. I am now able to critique areas such as "tone-deafness".
11. Bachelor of Physical Education - I have the ability to wrestle 4 children out of bed, to the breakfast table, into clothing and into the van, without breaking a sweat. This includes extra obstacles such as: record bathing and changing the 3 year old for the 2nd time because she snuck into the back yard to make mud pies, searching over 2200 sq ft of space for missing shoes and homework, wrestling a 2 year old into a car seat and running back into the house for a forgotten backpack. And lunch. And coat. And 3 year old. Who made it into the backyard for another mud pie session.
12. Bachelor of Science in Accountancy - I have the ability to stretch x amount of money, through out the month. This includes factoring in unexpected expenses such as, a new rear window on the car because "someone" broke it while weed whacking.
13. Bachelor of Science in Nursing - I have experience in the Emergency Room, Same Day Surgery, Labor and Delivery, Antepartum, Postpartum, the NICU, the PICU and the general Ped's floor. I am proficient in several areas of nursing care, including teaching the nurse taking care of my child, how to take basic vitals. This includes advising her (in front of the CNA she was training), that it is called a "femoral pulse", not "umm...thigh pulse?" Needless to say, I never left my child alone during that nurse's shift.
and because I'm an over-achiever...you get a bonus:
14. Creative And Performing Arts - I have developed a variety of silly faces, stupid dances and mind-numbing songs, to entertain even the crankiest of children. My public performances include: the doctor's office, Wal-mart and church meetings. Private performances are available to thwart off the Monster In The Closet, at bedtime.