Friday, June 13, 2008

Everyone Needs To Laugh...At Themselves

"16 Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn" by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you any way.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

3 comments:

Pam said...

ha ha ha- #16 - ha ha ha!!!

What a great list. I love it.

#11 makes me sad- I love my birthday and being fussed over on that day....yes, still!

common mom said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

#10 . . . I was 8 months pregnant with my first . . . so I was fairly large. I was waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street downtown. A complete stranger walked up to me, touched my stomach and said "So when are you due?"

I was SOOOOOO annoyed . . . so I said "Due for what?" and walked across the street. The look of horror on that poor woman's face was priceless.

You NEVER assume someone is pregnant ;-)

My birthday will always be a big deal . . . to me and everyone around me whether they like it or not. Everyone should have the best time and be totally fussed over on their birthday.

bequi said...

I LOVE Dave Barry. One of my favorite books of all time is "Dave Barry's Guide to Guys" where he explains the difference between a Man and a Guy. He also explains male behavior. Not even kidding, this book has probably helped my marriage more than anything else I've read because now I finally understand WHY Anthony does things.