Well, it's over. Josh and I went in at 8:00 this morning. The nurses were incredibly nice and very comforting. A few things bothered me and I can kind of laugh at them now, but at the time, they got me crying again.
When they called me up to the desk, we went over the usual verification of name, address, date of birth, blah blah blah. She tells me that I am already pre-registered, so she only has a couple questions. The first one was "Is the reason for surgery today due to an accident?"
Really? I mean, I'm sure that is a standard question, but it hurt. I wanted to yell, "YES! It was an accident and a mistake and I don't know why it has happened or who caused it!"
Then, filling out the medical history paper, the last question was: "For women, is it possible that you are pregnant?" I just stared at it, through tear-filled eyes and couldn't answer it for the longest time.
When they brought us back to the room, the nurse showed me what to change in to and then left the room. I started panicking and crying and told Josh that I couldn't do this. He hugged me and told me that we could walk out now. He said that I didn't have to do it this way and we could just leave. I calmed down, changed and waited for them to come get me.
When they took me down to the operating room, Josh had to go to the waiting room. Laying in the hall, outside the operating room, I started really panicking. I began shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't catch my breath and I just really wanted Josh with me. The anesthesiologist, nurse and my doctor came out and tried to calm me down. When that didn't work, they gave me something in my IV that helped a little. They moved me into the room, slid me on the table and put an oxygen mask on my face. The last thing I remember was the feeling of a tear sliding down my cheek.
I awoke in a room, with a nurse by my side. We had to stay for about an hour after and then we were able to go home. While we stayed and I tried to wake up, I made Josh climb into bed with me and hold me. I didn't realize it until later, but I was still crying when I woke up. If it's possible, I think I cried through the surgery.
That thought doesn't make me sad. It actually comforts me. I will still cry if I need to, but for now, I feel peace. I have a feeling of acceptance, that I didn't have before. I'm really looking forward to trying again and having that feeling of elation when the test comes back positive.
Josh bought me this beautiful Willow Tree figurine today. I put it on my bookshelf to always remind me of the love that I have for all of my family...even if they can't all be with me right now.