Thursday, April 3, 2008

Good-bye Little One

Well, it's over. Josh and I went in at 8:00 this morning. The nurses were incredibly nice and very comforting. A few things bothered me and I can kind of laugh at them now, but at the time, they got me crying again.

When they called me up to the desk, we went over the usual verification of name, address, date of birth, blah blah blah. She tells me that I am already pre-registered, so she only has a couple questions. The first one was "Is the reason for surgery today due to an accident?"

Really? I mean, I'm sure that is a standard question, but it hurt. I wanted to yell, "YES! It was an accident and a mistake and I don't know why it has happened or who caused it!"

Then, filling out the medical history paper, the last question was: "For women, is it possible that you are pregnant?" I just stared at it, through tear-filled eyes and couldn't answer it for the longest time.

When they brought us back to the room, the nurse showed me what to change in to and then left the room. I started panicking and crying and told Josh that I couldn't do this. He hugged me and told me that we could walk out now. He said that I didn't have to do it this way and we could just leave. I calmed down, changed and waited for them to come get me.

When they took me down to the operating room, Josh had to go to the waiting room. Laying in the hall, outside the operating room, I started really panicking. I began shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't catch my breath and I just really wanted Josh with me. The anesthesiologist, nurse and my doctor came out and tried to calm me down. When that didn't work, they gave me something in my IV that helped a little. They moved me into the room, slid me on the table and put an oxygen mask on my face. The last thing I remember was the feeling of a tear sliding down my cheek.

I awoke in a room, with a nurse by my side. We had to stay for about an hour after and then we were able to go home. While we stayed and I tried to wake up, I made Josh climb into bed with me and hold me. I didn't realize it until later, but I was still crying when I woke up. If it's possible, I think I cried through the surgery.

That thought doesn't make me sad. It actually comforts me. I will still cry if I need to, but for now, I feel peace. I have a feeling of acceptance, that I didn't have before. I'm really looking forward to trying again and having that feeling of elation when the test comes back positive.

Josh bought me this beautiful Willow Tree figurine today. I put it on my bookshelf to always remind me of the love that I have for all of my family...even if they can't all be with me right now.



15 comments:

Crystal said...

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of this.

The sign and statue that Josh bought you are so thoughtful and beautiful. I love it.

TheVasquez3 said...

my heart is with you. the willow and sign are a beautiful thoughtful gift. you husband is amazing...but you already knew that, didn't you?

smileyes said...

The figurine is beautiful but I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

Jen said...

You have such a wonderful husband. That is such a beautiful figurine. I'm very sorry you had to go through all of this. You are in my prayers.

common mom said...

Hugs for you and your family

bequi said...

You have such a fantastic husband. I love you guys!

Erin said...

what a wonderful hubby u have. glad everything went well and u can move forward.

Pam said...

I am so sorry! I will continue to pray for you. I hope you know you are always in my heart! The sign--the figurine--beautiful! Very beautiful!

sheri said...

What an awesome husband you have. And the figurine/saying is so, so beautiful.

kellyo75 said...

How sad for you all :-( I would have cried through the surgery, too! I love the Willow Tree figurines. I collect them. I love the tile, too. I hope you get that positive sooner than later; you are in my prayers.

Mom said...

I have no idea what to say Leeann. I wish I could say I know how you feel but I don't. I love you.

Melanie said...

Just stopped by to say that I've been thinking of you and praying for you and your family. What a beautiful way to remember this precious life.

suebug said...

I am so proud of you, for having the courage, and the faith and strength that you do! I love you dear friend, you teach me so much! And I believe with all my heart, your beautiful little one, is in good hands, till yours are available!!! You have a tender husband who loves you a great deal! You are incredibly blessed to be so loved!

Andrea said...

My heart broke for you as I read this post.

No woman should EVER have to go through that experience.

I pray that your next attempt will be successful and that you will FINALLY have that fifth (or sixth, counting your niece) child to hold in your arms.

Your hubby is SO sweet to buy you that treasured gift.

Your baby was/is tremendously loved and will always hold a special place in your heart.

xoxo

Steph said...

(((HUGS))) Im sorry you had to go through this. The Willow tree and plaque are great.