Saturday, March 22, 2008

Well...

I was waiting until Mother's Day to announce to the world our good news. Josh and I are pregnant! After trying for over a year and crying for over a year, it finally happened.
Sadly, it isn't to be. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I asked for an ultrasound, not because I felt anything was wrong, but just to peek at my tiny turtle. When the ultrasound tech got really quiet and turned the monitor so that I couldn't see it, I knew something was wrong. She got up and left the room and when she came back, she told me that my doctor would see me in his office. He said that the baby stopped growing a couple weeks ago and no heartbeat could be detected. The sac that the baby was in looked abnormally shaped with discoloration around the edges. I was numb with shock and got up and walked out before I could ask any questions. I don't even remember driving home. I don't know what happens now, I guess I will talk with him again on Monday, because he wants me to come in for some more blood tests.
Josh couldn't be with me, because he was home with the kids. When I got home, I found him putting clothes away in our daughter's room. I simply uttered, "We're losing this baby." and fell against him crying.
If one more person says, "It just wasn't meant to be" or "Everything happens for a reason", I may go ballistic. While these things are probably true, I don't care. All I care about is right now. Trying to deal with today. Trying to deal with still being pregnant...without actually being pregnant. Trying to deal with living in a body that still feels pregnant, knowing that I'm not. It's a fine balance. Trying to deal.

18 comments:

Melessa said...

I'm so sorry. That just flat-out sucks. I still wish the baby my younger sister lost under similar circumstances had been born, so no pretty talk from me. Just lots of hugs that I wish I could give in person-not to mention feeling desperately sorry I can't take your kids so you can have some time with just your hubby. Please know that I would do all of that if I could.

Pam said...

Oh Leeann....I am sorry. That is just about the hardest thing I can imagine having to deal with. There are simply no words I know to help here. I wish I could be there to hug you. Please know that if I was there - I would do whatever you needed. I am so sorry. If it is okay...I would like to ask my friend to stop by your site. She went through this and maybe it would help to have someone who can relate to your situation.

TheVasquez3 said...

oh Leeann. i am so sorry. i know tere are no words that could ever bring you the comfort you need right now. just please know i am here. i understand. all to well. you are in my prayers.

Candygirlflies said...

Oh, my sweetie... Dear girl. I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

I wish I were there to give you a hug in person... but for now, just ((((((hug))))))).

Sending you love.

CGF xo

Crystal said...

Leeann, my heart breaks for you. I am so so sorry you are going through this right now. Please know I am here if there is anything I can do. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

Oh Leeann, I just wanna give you my most heartfelt love and support! I just wish I could be there to come hug you and give you any help you need. Actually, I'm not far away, so PLEASE oh PLEASE if there is anything I can do to make your load a little lighter, I'd be happy to help you out. Just know that you are TRULY in my prayers!

Kelly said...

Leeann, I am the friend Pam mentioned in her post. I hope you don't mind I stopped by. I had the same thing happen to me and I remember it all too well. Everyone thinks they are helping but all you want to do is deal and feel what you are feeling. My body went through a rough time while I waited for things to happen. I think it even threw my hormone levels off and sent me into a short depression. Talk to your doctor and don't deny your feelings to make others think you are OK. It's normal to feel the way you are feeling. Through this will come healing! Know that my prayers are with. Pam is sending you my email. If you ever need to chat with someone who has been there, Please feel free to email me!!!! I know it helped me to get answers to my questions from people who had been there already because I always had questions after I left the dr.

Amy said...

I am so sorry Leeann.

Andrea said...

I don't know personally what it's like to lose a child in the womb -- but between my two sisters, they have lost 6 babies in the past 4 years.

I know from them that it is excruciating and heart-breaking.

Please know that you need to FEEL the way you need to feel to get through this. No being brave, no pushing things aside. You need to grieve. It doesn't matter if the baby was conceived two minutes ago or nine months ago. It's still the loss of a child.

Prayers for you, my dear friend.

Jenn said...

I'm so sorry. I love your blog and rarely comment, but I wanted to give you a {{{HUG}}}. I'll be thinking of you and Josh in the days to come.

Nancy Brown said...

My biggest pet peeve is that phrase that God will only give you what you can handle. I think it is crap. I am so sorry and we are thinking of you and your baby angel.


Nancy

sheri said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry. I wish I were able to give you a real hug.

C D said...

I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your family as you go through this.

smileyes said...

I am so so sorry for you. I cannot imagine having to go what you are going through. I am sure that there are no words in the world that could take your pain away. I just want you to know that you have a lot of people that care about you, are thinking about you and are praying for you and your whole family.

kellyo75 said...

I am so so sorry, Leeann. You are in my prayers. Man, that sucks.

Erin said...

I too went thru this many years ago. It still hurts. It still truly sucks. I always wonder what if....Does it get any better? nah You just learn to cope with it. I don't understand why anyone has to go thru it.
Thinking of all of u...

common mom said...

I'm thinkin' about you and praying for you and Little One! I remember the exact day you're describing when the ultrasound didn't show them or me what I wanted to see. Quite frankly, it sucks. Wish I were there to give you a big hug!

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