I was waiting until Mother's Day to announce to the world our good news. Josh and I are pregnant! After trying for over a year and crying for over a year, it finally happened.
Sadly, it isn't to be. I had my doctor's appointment yesterday. I asked for an ultrasound, not because I felt anything was wrong, but just to peek at my tiny turtle. When the ultrasound tech got really quiet and turned the monitor so that I couldn't see it, I knew something was wrong. She got up and left the room and when she came back, she told me that my doctor would see me in his office. He said that the baby stopped growing a couple weeks ago and no heartbeat could be detected. The sac that the baby was in looked abnormally shaped with discoloration around the edges. I was numb with shock and got up and walked out before I could ask any questions. I don't even remember driving home. I don't know what happens now, I guess I will talk with him again on Monday, because he wants me to come in for some more blood tests.
Josh couldn't be with me, because he was home with the kids. When I got home, I found him putting clothes away in our daughter's room. I simply uttered, "We're losing this baby." and fell against him crying.
If one more person says, "It just wasn't meant to be" or "Everything happens for a reason", I may go ballistic. While these things are probably true, I don't care. All I care about is right now. Trying to deal with today. Trying to deal with still being pregnant...without actually being pregnant. Trying to deal with living in a body that still feels pregnant, knowing that I'm not. It's a fine balance. Trying to deal.