Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I'm. Running. Away.

If you see me, please do not tell my children the authorities.

I'm running away from the 4 month old who cried for six straight hours today. Do you have any idea what that kind of crying does to a person's sanity? Let's just say that if you do see me, don't be confused when I am repeatedly banging my head against the wall. I am doing it on purpose.

I am running away from the 20 month old boy who has had boogers streaming down his face all day. Picture Niagara Falls. You won't even be close.

I am running away from the 3 year old. Does that really need any more explanation? Shouldn't just telling you her age, be enough?

I am running away from my 4 year old who feels that "no" is the answer to any question out of my mouth. Probably correct when the question is, "Do you want to go to your room?" but, less funny, when the question is, "Will you PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy, clean up your freaking Valentine's?"

I am running away from my 6 year old, who does not believe me when I tell her that 8 + 7 is not 13. Or 14. Or 16.

I am running away from the "person" that added a spoon and 2 chocolate candies to the soup I was making for dinner.

I am running away from the ever-bloated bag of "Amish Friendship Bread" that is sitting on my counter. I think the damn thing reached 10 days...4 days ago. (If you have no idea what I am talking about...consider yourself lucky.)

I'm running away from my nutrition assignment. "No, I don't know why my diet of ramen noodles fruits and vegetables is so high in sodium!"

I am running away from the brown, squishy bananas in my pantry and the carton of buttermilk in my fridge. If my husband wants banana bread, he can call his Mom.

I am running away from the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head and fever that has plagued our house for the last two weeks. (See how clever I was? I used the Nyquil slogan. Since that didn't cover it all, let me also add: the vomiting, the diarrhea, the crying, the waking me up, the goopy eyes, the raspy breathing and the swollen tonsils.)

I am running away from the kitchen floor that hasn't been mopped in 2 weeks. That's right, I didn't stutter...two weeks. Don't judge me. I'm lucky I've found time to shower in the last 2 weeks.

I am running away from the guy doing the tile in our basement bathroom. What in the hell, is so hard about wiping your feet, or (God forbid) taking off your shoes? Seriously. I mean, is the 6 inches of mud in my yard, not enough of an indication that it may make it into the house, if you don't remove your shoes? And for another thing, is it necessary to slam the door every gosh darn time you come in and out? I yelled at my poor daughter to "SHHH! THE BABY IS FINALLY FALLING ASLEEP!" very loudly, in your presence, hoping you'd get the hint. Maybe next time.

I'm running away from dieting. Dammit, chocolate and cheese and chips and carbs and fried food tastes so good.

I'm running away from my job. I'm tired of staring at multi-million dollar homes, furnished with millions of dollars of furniture...when I don't know how I'm going to pay for the carpet in my basement. (And the kicker? Many of these homes are secondary homes...that the owner visits six weeks out of the year. Wow.)

I'm running away from my math homework. Dear Professor--You and I both know that I don't need this crap in the real world. I can barely find time to balance my checkbook, let alone anything else. There is no way in hell, that I am going to take the time to figure out the percentage of red dye #40 in my kid's fruit punch.

I'm running away to a warm beach. A place where I'm left alone to complete an entire thought, without interruption. If I'm really quiet, I can almost hear the waves now. Splish, Splash. Splish. Splash.


That splishing and the upstairs tub overflowing. I guess I'll run away tomorrow. For now, I'll have to comfort myself with the fact that my children are getting clean...and so is the floor. And the rug. And the cat. Multi-tasking, at it's finest.


Pam said...

Oh Honey! you need a vacation. Send those darling little ones on a vacation to aunt pam's house and I'll watch (uhm, you know by watch I mean blog while they run ramped through my house, right?) them for a week. Ashlyn would love the company and really enjoy having Avery to get into trouble with.

Crys said...


This is what I should have been everytime I bitch and moan about my life. You deserve a spa day.

Melessa said...

Hey! My bags are still packed from last week. I hear Aruba is nice this time of year...Let's go!

jennifer said...

MY WORD. Run, Run Fast. I will tell no one where you are. I could try to empathize with you and tell how my day went, but it would be very anti-climactic after this. You got me beat! Jennifer

Stacy said...

Here's the plan: I'll swing by and drop off my scooba (it washes your floors for you) and we'll head out for a movie. I like running away, so I am game anytime, and have a multitude of excuses to do so! Let's go!

Carol Beth Scott said...

Thanks for coming by my parenting blog. I loved visiting yours! My mom has inoperable stage IV cancer - but God still blesses us each day! (I know this doesn't fit your current blog, but I can relate to that, too! :0) )All things work together....

Jen said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry about all that is going on that sucks for you! How awful! You still keep your sense of humor though and it cracks me up! The amish bread, the bananas, the description of your children, the dieting, etc etc. Oh man, can I ever relate. I say you take Pam's offer and send everyone away and just sit and bask in peace and quiet! Good luck!

TheVasquez3 said...

can i come too? i am awesome at packing road snacks and getting complete strangers to pump our gas!!

can you imagine the fun we would have?

let's go to Disneyland...scratch that...SPA week....ahhhh

ok, yes i NEED a vacation!!

Steph said...

Your post made me laugh out loud this morning! Thanks for sharing. Happy thoughts to you, and keep that sense of humor!

P.S. I'm in for a vacation too...spas are good!

bequi said...

Due to very poor planning, I left my Amish friendship bread on my toast oven, which is right next to my oven-oven. Let's just say the ensuing explosion was not pretty, but extremely pungent.

All I'm saying, is that a true "friend" would never burden someone with this stuff.

bequi said...

One more thing. I have lived in my apartment over 2 years now and I have mopped... ONCE. I'll tell you the secret. A giant rug! You take it ouside once in a while and shake it off, then leave it on the ground for a week or so so the ants can clean it up, then shake off the ants and put it back! So easy!

Andrea said...

I wish I could take you along with me for my girls' weekend tomorrow.....

common mom said...

Calgon, take you away! I feel for ya . . . with I were there to help you out!!! Instead of helping I could just swing by and slow down enough for you to jump in so the kids couldn't catch up . . . then we'd be off to do whatever the heck we wanted to! And I promise you it would not include snot, diarrhea, dirty floors, the word NO, the word WHY, crying, screaming, or funky bread :-)

Mom said...

Once again, call me if you need me daughter.

The Joseph and Crystal Albrecht Family said...

Wow. What more can I say? Love your blog--honest, whitty, and fun to read.

jennifer in OR said...

woo-hoo, a fabulous, honest post! I'm right behind you!

Jennifer said...

This sounds so much like the post I posted on my blog last night. Except I think yours is worded better.
But I sat here nodding my head in agreement to many of those!