Friday, October 5, 2007

My Dearest Children

Dear Children,
Let me introduce myself. I am your Mom. I am the lady that spent an accumulated 52 hours in pain, in order for you to be born. (This is not including the 152 weeks of back pain and kidney pain you put me through. And I will not even mention the lifetime loss of bladder control that I now have to endure.) I realize that you may not know much about me, as a person, so I write this letter as a way to explain a few things to you.
First of all, before you were born, I was skinny. I was skinny and I didn't have stretch marks. Since I attribute my current state to your existence, I feel that you owe me. I will be taxing your college funds in order to cover the costs for my reconstructive surgery.
Secondly, I was actually quite intelligent before you were born. I attended college and was considered very witty, by many. The fact that I can no longer match my shirt to my pants, is due to your need to keep me up for 72 straight hours, when you were a week old.
Also, I didn't always walk around talking to myself. It used to be, that when I spoke, people listened. When that stopped happening, I guess I didn't notice, and the talking continued. Feel free to insert, "Yes, Mom." and "I sure will, Mom!" at the proper intervals, when I am babbling. This lets me think that you are listening and boosts my confidence in my mothering.
I also understand that I have spent countless hours sitting in the bathroom, potty-training you. I know that the jokes and the songs and the praise helped you to make a "wee-wee." Now, you need to understand that I do not require this kind of stimulation to use the bathroom. You do not need to pound on the door, stick your fingers under the door, or continually yell, "Mom? Mom? Where are you?" I promise you, I will not fall in. (Because, as you kindly advised me once, my bum is too big to fit in the hole.)
Lastly, know that I love you. More than your Dad. Remember this when you are choosing our nursing homes, but only have enough money to send one of us to a warm climate.


Candy said...

Hahaha... I can imagine myself writing a letter like this to my own kid(s) someday!

Is it okay if I add you to my blog roll? Thanks! :o)

Pam said...

oh I LOVE it! I can't say how much I love this! I'm posting a link to it from my blog because I love it so much!!

De said...

Love your letter to your kids. I tell people that I lost 1/4 of my brain with each childbirth. I used to live life without a day planner...Oh well, they are worth every brain cell they sucked out of me!

About knowing what people have googled...I have sitemeter ( on my blog. It tells me how many visitors, where they are from, what website brought them to me, how long they stayed, and how many pages they viewed. It's free. And it lets you know what your traffic is on your blog. Hope that helps. If you have more questions you can email me. My email is on my sidebar at my blog.
Have a great weekend!

Sniz said...

Love this are a good writer. Oh, and in case you were really curious about flight attendants...they are salary, but the only time that counts toward a "full-time" salary is hours in the air. Does that make sense? I know a very little about publishing...I'll get back to you!

suebug said...

I love it! It screams Leeann, I wish I was as witty as you are with my struggles being a "mommy". You are a pillar of example to us pressure

Mommy said...

Loved your letter to my grandchildren, but don't forget, you did the same to someone else sometimes in life so don't feel alone.

Crysm said...

I just love this!

lizzie said...

i am still laughing! thanks!

Common Mom said...

Wayyyyyy too perfect!!!

Shalene said...

Too cute. Isn't it funny how they just have to find the one place you want to really be alone???!!! Every last one of mine is that way. Also, my littlest one seems to only know how to open THAT door. How is that?? I ask you. Blessings to you.

KeepingTrackOfErin said...

That sounds like it came from the heart!!!

Melanie said...

Oh this is too funny!! I love it!!!