(I Don't Really Love It)

I love, love, LOVE when other people tell me how to parent my children. Even better, when the person who won't mind their own business offering the advice is someone without children or only has a single child. That would be like me trying to tell an elementary school principal how to do their job. Sure, both our goals are to raise successful, well-rounded children...however even I can recognize that their role is on a much larger scale than mine, so they are juggling factors I can't even begin to comprehend. I can also recognize that they have a lot more experience than I do, at fulfilling their duties.

I don't pretend to know everything about parenting. Hell, most days I feel like I'm barely hanging on, by the tips of my fingers. What I do know is my kids. I know each of their personalities, strengths and weaknesses. I know the kind of adults I want to raise and I parent to support that.

So, the next time I don't ask for your input or advice...take that to mean that I don't want it. I appreciate your need to tell me everything I am doing wrong. I appreciate your need to point out every mistake I make. However, I don't really want to hear it. When I decide that a person with no kids or one child has invaluable parenting information that I must know...I'll seek you out.

Thought Tidbit

I have 1.2 milion blog posts I need to catch up on...but I'm busy. :) However, I heard this song today and fell in love with the lyrics. Enjoy!

Darius Rucker
"This"

Happy Birthday Jared!

Happy 30th birthday! I know if you were here we would have celebrated by skydiving. You did it first and I knew if you could do it...I could do it, too.

I watched the last episode of Desperate Housewives this week. The series is over and there will never again be a new episode. You loved that show and because of that, I began watching it, years ago. It was your "dirty little secret" and I loved that.

It was strange watching that show. I thought about you the entire time. It 's funny how the finale of the show coincided with your birthday. I wish you would have been here to watch it with me.

I love you Jared. We still talk to our kids about you and Josh loves telling you funny stories from when you were kids. I wish you could be here to laugh along side him, as he tells them.

Happy Birthday Lukey!!!

My little man is turning six! I can't believe how time flies. My first (and only) son has become so independent and grown up so much in the last year. He is just finishing up kindergarten and has done amazing! He is a little math whiz, has started learning cursive and can read just about anything you throw in front of him. He amazes me with how easily he picks up new concepts (unless they are new chores...then he forgets a lot!) and how friendly he is with his peers. He still does crazy things that make us wonder what in the world he is thinking, but overall he is extremely helpful and kind.

Avery is still his best friend. They do everything together.

He loves being outside.
Going tubing didn't scare him one bit and he was the first to go down the hills by himself.

This was taken last summer. I can't get over how much he has grown up!

He'll always be my superhero!

Who couldn't love that sweet face?

His laugh is infectious. His smile radiates to his eyes and lights his entire face up!

Photo shoot I did a few weeks ago.
I can already see the man he will be...and that makes me sad.
Where does the time go?

Lukey,
I love you so much! You were a miracle from the moment your Dad and I found out you we were expecting you and we have never forgotten that. You are named after your Uncle Jared Luke Garrard and I so wish you could have met him. Our family lost an amazing man in September of 2005, but I know that he took my request straight to Heaven for a little boy to join our family...and there you were, eight and a half months later! :)
You are becoming such an amazing little man. Your kindness and sense of humor makes me so proud. I love that you always stick up for someone that you know is being picked on and you always try to do the right thing. You are so helpful and my very best helper at laundry! Your eyes remind me so much of my grandmother and my mom and I love looking into them as they shine with happiness.
I hope your next year is as amazing as you are.  I know that you will accomplish so many wonderful things in first grade! Lukey, you make every day perfect. I love you, my little man. Happy Birthday!
Love, Mommy

I'm Leaving...On A Jet Plane...

My flight leaves in a few hours and I am so excited! I haven't been in an airplane since 2001...two weeks after 9/11. I'm hoping that the atmosphere in the airport will be a tad less anxious than it was then.

I'm really excited about seeing one of my best friends and I can't wait to experience the Susan G. Komen in another state. I wonder if it will provoke the same feelings that the one in Utah does. It's always hard remembering past races when Mom was with us. Remembering where we took the last photos of her in the Gateway. Remembering things she said at certain spots along the route. Remembering where we took photos of the first race she missed.

I know that just being around other families who have this tragic disease affect their lives is always hard...and uplifting. I love wearing a picture of Mom on my back, knowing that I am representing her for every one to see. I love seeing the pictures of other people who have passed on and sharing a look of solidarity with the person wearing it. I love seeing the smiles on the faces of the Survivors and their families.

This race will always be such a special thing to me. I can't wait to see the photos from my family doing the Utah race and I'm excited to share photos from the Georgia race. I love you all!!

Tutu Cute!!

I have wanted to wear a pink tutu in the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer 5K for years...

...and I finally will! :)

I will be running in celebration of Mom in Atlanta, GA this year, thanks to one of my best friends who relocated there, last fall. I get to visit with one of my girls AND run for Mom! LOVE it!

Shockingly, these weren't too hard to make. There will be three of us that will be wearing them and it took about two hours for each one, at about $20 for each one. I cannot wait to get home and make more for my girls. I'm thinking a little red, white and blue?!?! What better way to celebrate my favorite holiday? :)

I know Mom would have made one for herself and wore it proudly. I wish she could be finishing along with me...but I know she's watching...and laughing. ♥

Sometimes Lyrics Speak To You

"What You Are"
Jewel

Conquering It All

      Today we met with Avery's therapist to discuss her medication. It has been amazing for us, combined with therapy and we have chosen to continue it for a few more months. This will allow her body to learn how to sleep properly and we then can slowly wean her off of it and let her body take over.

      We then met with her other therapist to discuss her progress. Which has been...a lot. She is making eye contact when she speaks now. Her aggression and outbursts of anger are diminishing. Her moods are regulating. She has learned how to verbalize what she is feeling, rather than simply becoming frustrated and lashing out. Her sleep has improved and the nightmares have subsided. She is better able to see right and wrong...and shows remorse when bad choices are made. Her sensitivity issues have lessened. She says, "I love you." She hugs me, without me asking for it. She is helpful, of her own free will. She apologizes...and means it. She has expressed how much she likes spending time with me and when I play with her. She gets along with her siblings (as much as any kid does) and knows how to share and take turns. All of these things have allowed her to actually form relationships with her family, rather than just pushing every one away.

      Those are things that children much younger than her conquered long ago. For a multitude of reasons, Avery didn't. My seven year old is finally catching up emotionally and socially.

       She is doing so well that our therapy meetings that we have every 3-4 weeks are going to be spaced out, unless something comes up. We will check in with both therapists during the summer and see how she is doing...then go from there. I couldn't be happier.

It hasn't been an easy road...but it has been her road.

Our road.

Day Five - I Don't Want To Do This Anymore

...so I'm not.

:)

I made it four days. My goal was seven days.

*sigh*

I was so afraid of being disappointed in myself that I struggled with "giving up" and "quitting" for a full day, before I decided to do it.

I didn't start this to lose weight. I did it reboot my body. I wanted to give my body a break from any "crappy" food I feed it. I wanted to get in as much fruits and veggies as possible to charge my work outs.

Did I make my seven day goal? No. Did I crave cheese and onion rings and cheeseburgers and ice cream and chocolate? Oh hell yes; even if all those foods weren't a part of my normal diet anyway. Tell me I can't have something and of course I'm going to want it. Did I ingest more fruits and veggies than I ever thought possible? Yes.

So, what finally broke me? What sounded soooo good, that I had to give in and eat?

Chocolate? Bacon? Pancakes? French fries?

Nope.

Chicken. I desperately wanted boneless, skinless, grilled chicken breast. So...I ate it. Along with a red leaf lettuce, spinach, cherry tomato and cucumber salad with a tiny bit of homemade Italian dressing.

I'm not too upset with myself. If that's what made me break...I obviously am doing okay.

So...on I continue. I'll be incorporating more green smoothies and juices into my diet (shockingly, beet, apple and carrot wasn't half bad) and the kids' meals. They beg for them and I'm not going to turn them down! Luke has already concocted spinach, orange, kiwi and banana...also known as a "Luke Sunrise".

If renewing a love of veggies and fruits in my kids is all I accomplished...then I didn't fail. I can't be disappointed! What an amazing four days. Would I do it again? Perhaps.

Never say never. :)

Day Four - Choose

There is a difference between "I can't do it" and "I don't want to do it".

Society in general seems to use these phrases synonomously. When presented with a challenge (such as juicing for seven freaking days...or go back to school...or start running...) a lot of people's reactions are, "Oh...I can't do that."

Umm...how do you know? You haven't even tried. What you really mean to say is, "I don't want to do that."

Make your choice and stick by it. Don't flounder around and make excuses for yourself. Either you want to...or you don't. Believe me...you can do it. It just comes down to if you want to, or not.

Day Three - I'm Hungry

I'm Hungry.

I'm Cranky.

I calculated the nutritional content and I've consumed enough calories (almost 1300) and I've met every goal I should for fiber, protein, potassium, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium, iron, yadda, yadda, yadda...

I'm Hungry.

I'm Cranky.

It's hard when you're emotionally tied to food and have an emotional day. I want a cheeseburger dipped in fry sauce.

Yeah...cause THAT will make everything better, right?

Well...I won't be hungry.

But...I will be disappointed in myself.

*groan*

Day Two - Feeling FABuLOUS!!!

Okay, so it's now been about 48 hours and all I've had are green smoothies or juiced concoctions.

Holy crap.

I feel amazing.

I know my endorphins are flowing because I just got home from the gym, but still...I feel great. I haven't been as hungry as I thought I would be on day two. It's a mental game now. I see what my kids eat and I want to eat it...because it LOOKS good. Not because I necessarily feel hunger pains.

Spinach, blueberries, bananas and mango. That has been my favorite today. Tomato, avocado, rosemary, bean sprout, oregano. That was my least favorite today. I gagged that down, while the kids sat around me laughing, eating their yogurt and cereal.

Tomorrow I want to actually keep track of how many calories I am eating from all the fruits and veggies. I know I'm still well within a healthy range of intake for a female of my body weight, but I'm curious.

Have you watched the documentary yet???

Day One - No One Has Died...Miraculously

So, remember last summer when I watched "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" and began making green smoothies?

Well, I'm at it again. (I never really stopped completely...I would still do it from time to time...but I'm REALLY at it again.)

I attempted to do a seven day cleanse last year...yeah, that lasted about 18 hours before I couldn't do it anymore. Being around the pool during the summer, not being mentally prepared...or having great recipes on hand...set me up to fail.

This time, I planned it for a better week...not much going on. Less temptation. More recipes on hand to try, so I don't get bored. And...while it may not be sticking to the "plan" totally...I am adding protein powder to a couple smoothies a day. When I work out, I am burning 700-900 calories at a time. I cannot do that (and I won't stop for a week) without some protein in my diet and still be healthy.

Hopefully it helps.

I'm about 22 hours in now and no one has died. Yet. It's hard. Foods I normally don't even want...like sloppy joes...I almost tore out of my kids' hands at their dinner time. My mood is a little off kilter. I know it is only going to get harder before it gets easier...but the amount of fruits and veggies I am getting in? WOW. Amazing.

Let's see what the next six days bring.

Watch the documentary. It'll change your life.

I've Processed It

Now that I've had two weeks to process the news that I have been accepted into nursing school...I'm doing okay. I'm preparing by tackling the massive "to-do" list WSU sent me to take care of this summer. I've already enrolled in fall classes. I've ordered my scrubs. I've filled out all the paperwork that I can. I still need to deal with immunizations, fingerprints, drug tests and a FBI background check...but that will come.

I'm finishing up my classes for this semester and it is bittersweet. My final days of being an Aggie at Utah State University are drawing close. I've met some wonderful people. I've made some great friends. I've had some inspiring teachers. I've taken some good classes...and some crappy ones. I've been through a lot in my time as a student there.

December 4, 2007 is the day my life changed. That was the day that I decided to go back to school and registered for my first classes, for the Spring 2008 semester. I had no idea then, how long the road would be.

Or how much I would go through.

Spring Semester 2008 - I would lose Carter and have a D & C...and then have to sit through my nutrition class as we discussed how important folic acid is during pregnancy, while watching slides showing pictures of a healthy, growing fetus. I left class that week, in tears. I had custody of my niece at the time and had two children have surgery.

Summer Semester 2008 - I would discover I was pregnant again! I would spend the next few months terrified to fall in love with a baby that I may never get to hold.

Fall Semester 2008 - 29 weeks along, on the way to math class, I would go into labor for the first time. After bedrest for a month, our Peanut would be born miraculously healthy and perfect, at 33 weeks. I would have to withdraw from classes, to finish them in the Spring.

Spring Semester 2009 - I juggled a newborn and classes...with the knowledge that Mom's time on Earth was getting shorter.

Summer Semester 2009 - Mom passed away. Forever changing my life, Josh's life and our children's lives. Dad remarries. Forever changing our lives.

Fall Semester 2009 - A lot of firsts happening...without Mom here. It was a hard, hard road. Josh got laid off and we panic, wondering how we will survive, a family of seven, with only my small income. I take physiology from an "awesome" (read my dripping sarcasm??) professor who warns us that only pre-med students get A's on his tests. Great. 1. I wasn't pre-med. 2. HE made ME explain the menstruation cycle to the class because HE didn't understand it...but I couldn't get an A??? I'm proud of that B+.

Spring Semester 2010 - I take anatomy (the same "awesome" prof taught THIS class, too!) and had to do a cadaver lab. It wasn't even a year after burying Mom and it was hard. Really hard. I walked out the first day, in tears. After a year of many, many, many students complaining, the dean finally lets this professor go. Sadly, it was before he gives me the A I deserve and I have to learn to live with my A-. We decide that in the fall...Josh will go back to school too. Oy vey.

Fall 2010 - My migraines go haywire and I have twelve of them in 52 days. I have a constant headache. I can barely function. My life feels like it is falling apart. I finally get on Topomax after weeks and weeks of tests (and a week long scare that I may have multiple sclerosis)...and begin living with the side effects. This is while we're trying to deal with Josh's first semester of classes and figuring out how to pay bills, since we both have missed so much work due to my head.

Spring 2011 - I retake my history class that was on my transcripts from high school, just to up the grade and my GPA. *gag* I hate history. However...something good also happens...at the end of this semester I graduate, with honors. I receive my Associates of Science degree and I'm able to walk the stage in front of family and friends...and my beautiful children.



Fall 2011 - I decide to begin pursuing a BS in Family Life Studies...not knowing if I would get accepted to nursing school on my first try, or not.

Spring 2012 - I take my CNA class, mail in my application packet and spend the next two months stressing and hoping and praying. I had done all that I could and my fate was now in the hands of people who I had never met.

Today - I sit here knowing that in a couple short years I will have fulfilled a decade long dream. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and it has been anything but easy. I have struggled through some of my lowest lows and celebrated some of my highest highs, since making the choice to go back to school, just over four years ago. It has been a long, hard road, filled with bumps, potholes, twists and turns. It has been filled with amazing memories, wonderful friends, supportive family and with the belief that when the going got tough...I got going. I did this. I earned this. Me. No one can ever take that away from me.  I've discovered a strength in myself that I never knew existed.

Bring it on, WSU. Let me show you what I'm made of! :)

I Promise You

I had a bit of a scare this morning.

I found out that the kids' first day of school in the fall is the 20th of August and I knew that my nursing school orientation was that same morning. On campus. Over an hour away. Meaning that I could wake them up, but I wouldn't have been able to take them to school for their first day. Luke's first day of all day school. Avery's first day of second grade. Ry's first day of fourth grade. Bailey's last first day of elementary school.

I was devastated.

Thankfully, I was wrong and my orientation is the week prior to them starting school. *phew!*

Dear Munchkins,

     I love you. I know that these next two years are going to be a little more challenging than we have previously experienced. I can't promise you that I will always be here and that I will never miss things. I can't promise that I won't come home from a twelve hour clinical shift exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed. I can't promise that I won't hide from the world the night before a big test.
      I can promise you that everything I'm doing...I'm doing for you. I can promise you that I am doing everything I can to make you proud of me. I can promise you that there is an end in sight and this time will pass quickly by. I can promise that your patience and understanding does not go unnoticed.
     "There are no shortcuts to any place worth going" and I know in my heart that this is what I'm meant to do. Our sacrifices now...our whole family's sacrifices...are going to pay off. You guys are my whole world. Greater things have yet to come, my babies. Stick with me through this and I promise...it will all be worth it.

Love, Mommy